Subaru announced today that a BRZ STi - like, a real one with turbo and everything - will be introduced for the 2018 model year. It will lack AWD, but it will feature a new version of the famous boxer 4. More details about the announcement are contained in a press release issued by the company’s chairman and CEO, which you can read below.

April 1, 2017

Goddamnit. Seriously, god-motherfucking-damnit. Fine. Okay? Fine. It’s faster now. You can leave me alone now, christ.

*sigh* look. I’m not angry at everyone. I know most of you didn’t engage in this...enthusiastic...behavior. But Jesus Mohammed Ali on a pretzel stick, was that really called for? 3000 texts a day? And I don’t even want to know how you motherfuckers got my goddamned phone number the five separate times I changed it. Did 20 of you really have to follow me around everywhere? At the store? At the car wash? At the Bar? Even at the fucking doctors? During my goddamned colonoscopy? Really? Really? Hey, you know what wives do when a random stranger with a ‘Make BRZ Fast Again’ protest sign pops up in the bedroom window while they’re trying to have sexy time with their husbands? THEY STOP HAVING SEX!! WITH ANYONE!! FOREVER!!! IT’S GREAT, I ENCOURAGE YOU TO TRY IT IMMEDIATELY!!!!

*sigh* Okay. Deep breaths. Remember. Captain of the ship. Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale. Alright. Back to business.

You wanted a fucking turbo in the fucking car, so we’re putting a fucking turbo in the fucking car, so you can fucking stop motherfucking fucking with me already motherfuckers. That good enough? It better be. You know Mazda killed the rotary the other day? How about you go ruin that company and leave mine alone now?

From the desk of
Tomomi Nakamura


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