Update: Same buffer image of my TV’s name.

Thanks everyone for the wise words. I’m definitely am going to need more help maintaining emotional stability, however I’ve made a decision as to what I’m going to do if/when it happens: The answer is that she cannot live with me. Abuse aside, my condo is simply too small for us. I wouldn’t even be able to fit a single piece of her furniture and there isn’t even a closet to put her clothes in. It just wouldn’t work...and that’s before we get to my complaints about destroying my happiness.

There is some light at the end of the tunnel. Apparently some survival instinct in her finally kicked in and she’s going to try to fill the empty rooms of her house to fill the rent and sell my dad’s stuff to make up the gaps in the meantime. Good. Maybe I won’t have to deliver the ultimate ultimatum...at least for now.

I’m going to keep this up as record. I’ve been trying my best to keep my family business off my blogs, but this time I just couldn’t. I can’t just bottle this crap up and deal with it myself.

As for my dad, I’m so done. He may also be a victim of sorts, however his actions have always directly hurt me. I used to just forgive him over and over. No more.

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Just...thanks again. I have a hard situation coming up soon. ♥

Original post:

Does happiness last forever? It certainly doesn’t seem that way for me. I’m cross posting this because I really don’t know what to do. I know what I want to do, however I’m not sure if it is the right thing.

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As widely reported around here, I don’t have a great history with my parents. I’ve been abandoned by my dad so much that I don’t really know who he is. Meanwhile my mum gaslights and manipulates me so much that it has repeatedly driven me to suicide. I’ve found that putting literal distance between my parents and myself has been beneficial. Yet, it seems I’ll never truly escape the dark cloud that follows me.

Whenever my dad abandons the family, I always have to save the day. I’ve singlehandedly saved us from homelessness a number of times. Not my older brother, not my dad, not my mum, but me. The priorities in my life have never been viewed as important. I can’t have children, I can’t have a family (at least not through biological means). And because I want to enjoy my life before hitching myself to children, I don’t even want a family. My goals are a passionate career, an awesome car/motorcycle collection, and a lover to enjoy it all with. Despite all the hell I’ve been through, I’ve done well for myself. But I’m tired of being the saviour.

In the past five years or so, my mum has become increasingly dependent on my dad. Instead of ensuring her independence for the inevitable (my dad leaving again) she decided to throw caution to the wind. Her only income is a business that is impossible to run by herself and she cannot hire people because she cannot pay them.

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In the past six months, my dad has also thrown caution to the wind. He’s decided to stop paying all bills and stop working. He recently capped it off by abandoning us again. Unfortunately unlike the last times, my mum didn’t prepare.

Her business is probably not going to last much longer. She’s three months late on everything. Her license is about to be suspended, and she’ll eventually lose her house and her camper.

She’s realizing that she’s going to be losing everything. And guess who has to save the day? That’s right, the girl who got her stuff together for the third time, moved out, and got a tiny 1 bedroom condo. Again, my brother is out of the picture because he has family. But me? Haha my concerns aren’t important because I can’t have a family.

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She demanding to move in.

I tried to get my brother on my side, privately telling him that she’s the reason for my suicide attempts. Of course, I can’t even trust him. He ratted me out to my mum and he agrees she has to move in with me. Seriously? This is a tiny condo, at most it was meant for a couple who will sleep in the same bed (and even then it’s cramped, not this). If living in a big house with her makes me suicidal, living in a confined space with her where I have no privacy whatsoever is going to be grrrrreaaaaaat.

She has options. She can get low income housing, she can, you know, get a real job. She can buy time by selling her camper (it’s not like she can use it anyway), she can move in with a friend or family down south. There are options before ruining my life even further than she already has.

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Yet, none are being considered. Once again I’m expected to put my life on hold.

If my dad isn’t coming home, I never want to speak to or see him ever again. He’s just as guilty at ruining my life as she is. He knows what he did and what will happen to me. I’ve always been his cheerleader, yet he still burns me.

As for my mum, I really want to tell her that she put herself in this spot and she has to dig herself out of it. I never told her to run a 24 hour call center with herself as the only employee. I never told her to ditch reliable income in favour of a risky business. I want to tell her no, and that if she ends up on the street it’s her fault. She has the luxury of not knowing what depression feels like, I don’t. If I can get my POC trans butt into gainful employment and stop myself from being homeless, she can too.

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Yet, I still feel obligated to let her move in. I know what happens if I let her. I know that everything I built for myself will fall. I know that I would probably try to kill myself before the year is out. Nobody in my immediate family apparently cares about me or how I feel. I’m just a breathing bank account and shelter. I’m going to try what I learned in therapy to not make this happen. I can’t even run away this time, the person who makes me hate everything will live in my home. I can’t even reliably ask my brother for help and advice. I’ve never felt so alone...