If your Ford had a Matthew McConaughey, it would be a Lincoln

Surviving Texas Ice-mageddon 2018, Day One of Two: The Reckoning.

The forecasts were wrong. The expected impact was discounted. No one imagined the extent of the despair and cold that would actually occur. Meteorology failed us, and we are paying the price.

First, the schools closed. Then the office called and told employees to stay home due to hazardous traveling conditions. Finally, the sleet began falling harder, then harder, and finally, hardester. The local authorities began their marathon of public heeds with the same people who warned us about flooding six months ago. It’s here. And it’s so much bigger than expected. You see this map?


Look at that giant pink area. Do you see anything wrong with it? Do you think it’s too big? Just right? Are you offended by its audaciousness? Well, let me just tell you: the angle of that big pink member was too low and thin for what actually happened. That’s right: the event represented by this massive pinkness, especially in the southern bulbous area, actually ended up being SAGGIER (and the longer part was much wider) than anyone expected. And it’s hurting.

My family and I are at our wits’ ends. The children are now refusing to do their homework and are miserable because they don’t have any new games to play on their new Nintendo Switch. My wife has become restless and has baked cookies for the entire family EXCEPT FOR ME. She KNOWS that I’m on a no gluten diet, and does she care?! NOOOOOOO she doesn’t. I cannot believe her. Heartless.

The heat, electricity, water, natural gas, internet, and all appliances are working. But I want to drive. I NEED to drive, to anywhere. But I can’t. My CTS shares something with our overpasses: they’re both encased in ice. I don’t even have a video game to play, for Christ’s sake!! HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO SURVIVE IN THESE CONDITIONS?!?! Being warm, entertained, safe, and loved isn’t enough. I must be MASSIVELY ENTERTAINED!!!


Oh, and The Price Is Right wasn’t even on because the MSM chose to shove weather warnings down my throat instead. #fakenews


And now, we just got word that the schools will be closed tomorrow as well, FIVE STRAIGHT DAYS OF NO SCHOOL. Wait, standby, I just got an email from work...


My office will be opening tomorrow at 10 am. I’m calling shenanigans, though, because they said the same thing today. And TODAY, we were CLOSED ALL DAMNED DAY!!! And you know what? My firm states that I’m not allowed to call clients regarding business on my cell phone!! Which means that I CAN’T EVEN ALL ANYONE FOR MY BIDNESS!!!

Some people might say that I’m suffering from cabin fever, but I prefer to think that I’m being prudent and rational FUCKING HELL MY WIFE WON’T KEEP THE BARRETT JACKSON AUCTION LIVE FEED ON THE TV AND INSTEAD TURNED IT TO THE WEATHER CHANNEL.


All work and no play makes Pat a dull boy.

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