Today is an historic day. Elon Musk discussed the new software patch addressing the range problems for the Model S with a group at the SXSW Technology Conference.
Mr. Musk had a teleconference with the meeting, called the "Simplistic Holistic Intelligent Technology" discussion group, and detailed what he called a "way to get those bitchy motherf***ers off my back". A possibly inebriated Musk announced the "Range Leash", a GPS-Enabled tracking system that will not allow the vehicle to go more than 100 miles from the nearest charging location (including the owner's home).
If the vehicle goes outside of the predecribed area, the car turns on the new and greatly anticipated automated driving feature, pilots itself to the nearest lot, parks, locks the doors and windows, and turns on the heater for a solid hour (with all occupants still inside). It also calls a tow truck to take the car back home. When asked why Tesla would do this to it's consumers, Musk replied, "*BURP* Why the hell not?! 'Oh no, my car won't go to infinity on a single charge!' You wanna know what I say to that? I say 'Here's your cure, you whiney sons of bitches'. Where'd my bottle of Turkey go?!"
There was some confusion in the Austin Convention Center conference room, as the scents of patchouli and mustache wax permeated the audience. Musk abruptly left the call as it sounded like he was falling into a pool seconds before the line went dead.
I've reached out to Tesla and will report back when their PR department head, Elon Musk, returns my email.