Test drive! Oh no, dead battery. WTF???

<this is a rant!>

I went to go check out an MB ML400 this morning. It was over an hours drive from my house. They knew that. I knew that. We all knew that.


I spoke to them TWICE this morning before I left, both sides confirming I was coming. Because, you know, it was far and there would probably be traffic.

As expected, I hit traffic in NY, and it took almost two hours to get there. First bad sign: the truck was boxed in by two cars. Sure enough, I go inside and the woman says “The battery is dead, we ordered a new one this morning.” I just sigh, thinking that maybe someone would have the decency to call me and let me know before I drove out there. But no.


Meanwhile, they weren’t really apologetic about it....saying, you can still go look at it. Really? I can go LOOK at it? Can I TOUCH it, too???? YAYY!!!!! So what the hell, I’m here, might as well go LOOK at it. And I did. Usual curb rash on the 20" AMG wheels, back bumper slightly scratched and chrome trim bent from small, previously disclosed accident. I was even able to get INTO the vehicle! Yay. All looks to be in very good shape but that MEANS NOTHING unless I can see how many lights are on the German, out-of-warranty Christmas Tree on the dash. With DISTRONIC sensors and Parking Assist and blah-dee-blah options, I was concerned about all the sensors, among a few other things, that you find out WHEN YOU CAN (or can’t) start the damn car. Sigh.

At this point I think....hmmm....you’re not an MB dealer, but can’t you get a fucking battery in under an hour? I mean, it’s probably worth it FOR ME to go get a battery so I can drive the thing and not have to come back. But I digress.


I ask if we an at least jump it, so I can hear it start. I figure a jump-started test drive was out of the question based on how dead (DEAD) the battery was. But the service guy said no, he wasn’t risking a jump due to electronics, etc.

So we stared at the car.

We stared at the Bi-Turbo V6 engine.

We stared at each other.

Eerily silent Bi-Turbo V6. Its LOOKS nice. ARRRGHHHHH.
Eerily silent Bi-Turbo V6. Its LOOKS nice. ARRRGHHHHH.
Photo: Tommy D

After a few moments of silence, she asked me “Do you like it? It was owned by a doctor!!! If you like it we can do the paperwork and you can come back tomorrow and we’ll have a new battery and temporary tags and you can drive it home!

(She actually said those things. Standing next to a truck that didn’t start)

That’s when I kind of lost it. It could have been owned by JERRY FUCKING SEINFELD but what the fuck difference does it make? It’s a fucking Matchbox car without a battery!!! It’s gonna take me another 90 minutes to get home!!! FUCK!!! She follows that up with “Two people are coming to look at it this afternoon” to which I said “Well, maybe it will have a battery by then and they can drive it. Let me know how they like it!!!!”


Arrgghhh. I’ll spare you the rest of the story.

Bonus picture of the Amityville Horror house, which was nearby. (Original crime scene house, with different windows than when the murders happened. Really nice house in a nice neighborhood)

Illustration for article titled Test drive! Oh no, dead battery. WTF???

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