The styling of Tesla models are solely American in that Airstream Trailer way we know and love. Let’s be honest, for the price class the interior materials and build quality are a bit under the competition, so the value is held entirely within the performance and feature made available at their price points. The answer to every update seems to be, “We put a bigger powerplant/more stuff in it!” Teslas are far heavier than anything they compete with. No one really cares about the track times, lateral Gs, or top speed* because what the vehicle can do is plenty. They are entirely about straight line acceleration and anything past the quarter mile grants observers the opportunity to see these machines fall flat on their faces against the Euro competition, just like true factory American muscle cars.

*Side note: I’d wager most American enthusiasts wouldn’t be able to answer 2 out 4 answers correctly on a top speed quiz even if the McLaren F1 and Bugatti Veyron were on the list.

The P90D variant is pretty much an electric hellcat designation and I think we are all expecting the Model 3 to get that variant as well. “Hellcat...Err P90 all the things!” Get the ludicrous mode unlocked and that underscored badge is pretty much the modern equivalent of “RPO Z15.” New features and technology are made available to consumers way before they are completely refined and fully developed because there is nothing more American that saying, “Buy it now and we can fix it later!” Give the people what they want, and what they want is power for pennies and features that drop jaws. Do the features need to make a vehicle better at being a vehicle? Hell no!

For every problem, there is a solution and an “American solution.”

-Abrahoon Lincoln

Problem: The motorized door handles on your product keep breaking or are frequently unresponsive.


Solution: Replace motorized door handles with conventional handles.

American Solution: Motorize the door to open as well.

“Umm, that’s cool Tesla but now the entire door may become unrespons...”

*sets opening of “Immigrant Song” to accompany approach.*


“Ah ah ahhhhhhhhhh AHHHH!!” - Problem solved!

And to go along with this, we also have the tradition of hyping up the merits of a technology then quickly destroying those merits! “Electric cars are great! There are fewer moving parts so the reliability is exponentially better!!” *immediately places electric motors into every seat, mirror, window, roof panel, hatch, door handle, and even engineers doors with even more hinges in order to add more electric motors to them.* Because if there is one thing window regulators have taught us, it’s that they are the most reliable component of any car.


I’m having some fun here, but honestly I think it’s awesome that we still have vehicles with that American persona. British cars have their traits. German cars have theirs. Italian, Japanese, Swedish, French, Chinese, and even Korean cars all have some consistent traits that make them recognizable no matter the brand or product. With Ford going all Ur-a-pee’n with their models, Chryslers having Italian parts with HEMIs, and GM’s performance focusing on track prowess, I’m happy we still have a manufacturer that will be making muscle cars instead of high powered grand touring cars.

Before you bring up the fact that Teslas are generally over $100k, let me ask you to look at the performance offered in that same $100k arena and tell me these cars aren’t lackluster in luxury components and build but punching way above their class in performance and features? You can get a minivan with the doors that go up. You can’t get that on most Lambos, bro!