Thestench of rodent feces filled our nostrils as we entered the aptly named “PetStore” at the Kingston, Ontario mall. The sales clerk greeted us asking if we were looking for anything special. Drew nodded his head yes and said,

“We want the biggest rat you’ve got.”

Thiswas our first major trip with the $500 van. It was also the trip where webought our rat Fillmore. These are the three lessons we learned on how toprepare to smuggle a rat out of Canada:

Lesson1 — Make your rat feel comfortable

Whenwe first purchased Fillmore the rat we wanted to expose him to freedom that hehad yet to experience living in the Canadian rat gulags (also known as the PetStore). That is why we kept him in a large cardboard box. We wanted to ensurehe was able to roam around in wide open spaces so that he wouldn’t beoverwhelmed by the impending freedom he was about to experience in ‘Merica.

Fillmore being pickedup to roam the streets of Canada

Whenyou decide to (Allegedly) smuggle your rat out of Canada we recommend that youchoose a large container to store your pet so that he/she can acclimate itselfto the freedom he/she will experience upon crossing the 49th parallel.

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Lesson2 — Feed your pet well

Fillmore making choices: “Do I shit here? Or there…?”

Accordingto the fascists at “Pet Store”, rats are only supposed to eat processed ratfeed made by state-sponsored Canadian corporations. We wanted to show Fillmore that in America you can eat anything you want — especially whenit comes to junk food. That is why we gave Fillmore two options for food: Wegave him cut up vegetables and rat treats. Because he had already been exposedto our American ways he naturally spent the whole week onlyeatingrat treats. As his gut grew rounder so did our pride. (Note: we assumed that since rats live insewers and eat garbage, our domesticated rate would eat garbage as well. Wewere wrong)

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Whenyou are preparing to (allegedly) smuggle your rat out of Canada it is importantthat you start teaching him/her how to make his/her own choices. From ourexperience, most of the Canadian pet stores put their rats through intensebrainwashing programs. Giving your pet the chance to make his/her own choiceswill allow him/her to begin to “de-program”.

Lesson3 — Make sure your pet rides in style

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Our1988 Dodge Caravan was the perfect vehicle for smuggling Fillmore across theborder to the US. The back seat was spacious with plenty of room to placeFillmore in a box and then cover that box with many other boxes. (Allegedly)

Theonly downfall was that Fillmore’s potent stench radiated through the van. Wehad to pull over and smoke a handful of cigars in the van before crossing theborder to mask the smell.

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Whenyou are deciding on a vehicle for (Allegedly) smuggling your rat across theborder you need to ask yourself the following questions: 1) Is the vehicle sofilthy and distracting that the US Customs agent will be too busy making fun ofyou to search your vehicle for rats? 2) Does it reek of rats? 3) After youfinish (Allegedly) smuggling your rats can you hop off straight to the club andholler at some shawties?

Ifthe answer to all of those questions is yes then you have chosen the correctvehicle for smuggling your rat.

Can you spot Fillmorein this photo? Good. Neither could the US Customs Agent…

— — — —

Ifyou follow those three simple rules you will also be able to smuggle a pet ratout of Canada just like we did (allegedly).

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(*)DISCLAIMER: We have never smuggled animals across borders and do not condone others attempting this illegal act. Do not smuggle anything out of Canada. Well…just don’t get caughtdoing it — and if you do get caught then don’t tell them we toldyou how to do it.

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