So here’s what happened...
I was sitting in the car trying to figure out some way to determine what could’ve gone wrong. So I said “Scheiße” and used the most Clarksonian method I could think of not involving a hammer. I just kept cranking the car. And I saw the tach bounce, but instead of the 1/16” bounce the needle should’ve moved, it moved all the way up to the 1000rpm mark.
WTF?? So I get out of the car, and remove the distributor and look at the rotor. It’s all good. As I put it back together, I walk to the interior, only to turn around and look at the contact wires on the coil, pull some random sandpaper I had in my pocket, and clean them up.
I then get back in the car and crank it again, it fires up, and idles at 3000rpm!! At first I was thinking vacuum leaks, so I turned it off and back on. I get walk out to the engine and look at the throttle cable, it’s caught on the weirdly shaped throttle cam which is holding it at that rpm. I get it untangled and it goes back to it’s originally set idle of 1050rpm.