If your Ford had a Matthew McConaughey, it would be a Lincoln

The E65, in its element

Cue Sir David Attenborough voiceover

Here we see the BMW 7-series in its natural habitat, incapacitated once again by its own stupidity. These beasts were hatched upon an unsuspecting public before reaching full term, and once released into the wild exhibited an immediate, worrisome, and irreversible decline in fitness. As a result, and to humanity’s great benefit, they are rapidly becoming extinct as keeping them alive is drastically more costly than simply putting them down. This fellow, a mature male of 12 years in age, has regrettably been given a reprieve for the time being, though his expiration, too, is inevitable. They are doomed to remain a disappointment to their forebears, whose good name has been sullied by this generation’s myriad inadequacies. A shame, for their family has shown such greatness through the years.

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