Hate is a strong word, and I don’t really hate any cars or trucks really. Because that would be silly, for the most part. Except with the Excursion. Because the Excursion wasn’t simply a “car” that’s bad because it doesn’t meet particular tastes. It’s bad because it was in fact a nuisance, and a hazard.

When the excursion was dropped on this human world, I lived in Colorado, which was a natural market for these abominations. They were everywhere, briefly. At nearly 20 feet long, over six feet tall, and weighing over three tons - most of the people buying them were totally unfit for operating them in public. The accidents they caused were horrifying. Streets were clogged with excursions that were parked haphazardly, in something that probably resembled some sort of attempt at parallel parking. These vehicles were, no great exaggeration, a major public safety problem. You could think of no better vehicular poster boy for placing personal greed and stupidity over the lives and needs of everybody else in your local society than the excursion.


Were there worse vehicles for use in areas where people live? Sure. But generally speaking they were driven by professionals trained to handle them. The excursion was sold on perceived value, of the lowest common denominator sort, “bigger is better, and this is the biggest so it must be the best”. Oh yeah! well you bought the biggest piece of shit on the block, so congrats macho dad. After driving one of these, a Suburban feels nimble. Have you driven one? It’s like driving an F-250, but it’s heavier and you can see less. I have never encountered a vehicle that was more miserable to drive.

Also with a weight approaching that of a small locomotive, these were predictable crap in slippery weather. If you saw one in winter, it’d be usually stuck in a ditch or drift on the side of the road, if it wasn’t busy totaling a whole row of parked cars on a city street.


It’s hard to comprehend how fortunate we are that after the first couple years, sales tanked and Ford mercifully killed the beast. I don’t know how many of these were sent to vehicular hell by cash for clunkers, but it certainly wasn’t enough. Luckily, they are a rare sight today. These were vehicles that fit a few user’s peculiarly niche needs, but were unfortunately bought and used by many who didn’t do anything with them except waste fuel and endanger everybody else on the road with them. And for like the ten people out there who can actually use these boxes appropriately, good for you, but for the rest of us, thank God, they’re mostly gone.

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