Hello, my name is Drew (hello, Drew) and I have a Porsche problem (polite clapping.) Being a non-owner, I thought I had it under control – I really did. But there were signs all along. Waking up on the couch having no idea how you got there, only to find a Slack channel open with a knock-down, drag-out argument ending with a pitiful defense of the M96 engine in the 996 being “not *that* bad”. Or having a pleasant conversation at a Cars & Coffee, blacking out, only to find yourself excitedly half-screaming at your terrified wife at lunch who doesn’t understand why you’ve suddenly developed a fetish for area codes beginning with “9”. When you’re wearing rose-colored glasses, all those Guards red flags just look like flags.

I can stop any time I want. At least, that’s what I believed, maybe I was lying to myself. Maybe I’m still lying to myself. Being up on Twitter at all hours live-tweeting the bidding on Aubergine 930 coupes and drifting in and out of consciousness at staff meetings because Petrolicious published some feature on Jeff Zwart’s Pre-A 356 that I had to watch just one more time? Just one more eBay Motors UK hit.

Just one more.

I thought I was getting better. This weekend, though, *sigh*. This weekend, the addiction took what I thought was rock bottom and handed me a shovel. I’d seen the sun come up over my desk just aimlessly browsing Cayman R ads on Rennlist, but this was something different, something mean. Eventually, the Boxster Speedsters and 924 GTs don’t scratch that itch anymore. When you’re numb to M491 option packages and factory Fuchs, you need something that just makes you feel again. I gazed into the abyss, and the abyss returned archived ads from 2011.

If you’ve ever wanted to waterboard yourself with regret, take a gander into recent memory and remind yourself that those untouchable low mileage air-cooled coupes were hopelessly affordable just a heartbeat ago. Just there, in the backyard of history, back to when Game of Thrones debuted and a year before LMFAO broke up. No, these cars haven’t always been priced for organ harvesting and contract killing.

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A warning to those of you with sensitive constitutions, you may find yourself nauseated or dizzy or just plain filled with inexplicable anger. Just close the tab, amigo. Remember, pain is just a physiological response that’s evolved over millennia for self-preservation, and we’re about to rip the limiter off.

March 18, 2011: Whale-tail G50 for $24,900

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April 29, 2011: $34,000 will barely buy you a salvage title 993 Cabriolet today. But in 2011?

May 17, 2001: Maybe $34,000 is too much for your budget? That’s fine. How about a 1995 midnight blue 6-speed example for $26,500?

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July of 2011: 47k mile Casis Red for just a paltry $28,500.

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September 8th: $45,000 for a 930 Turbo – yeah, I know. I know.

And this, well, this is the reason I’m here today. I don’t remember much after I found this. My wife tells me I was just walking in small circles in the room, starting at the ceiling, gently whispering “RS America” to the heavens. At 12:14 PM on Friday, October 14th, 2011, user “mrbrucermurray” posted this ad for a $28,000 1993 911 RS America:

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And so I’m here now, and I’m trying to get better. I’m reading up on Renault Alpines and Datsun 240Zs to try to fill the time and take my mind off the darkness, but it still creeps up and I’ve just got to see how deep the hole goes. Good days and bad days, just like everyone else. Good days and bad days.

My name is Drew and I’m a Porsche addict.