Welcome to The Morning Sh*t! Still looking for a plunger that covers those low-flow trapways.

1st Wipe: FCA in trouble for VW-style emissions cheats on Ram Diesels. Maybe instead of peeing on Ford and Chevy, Calvin should pee into a DPF tank.

2nd Wipe: Ram also in trouble for sampling MLK speech in Super Bowl ad, failing to realize that speech came from sermon deriding advertising and consumerism.

3rd Wipe: Investors demand more details from Ford, specifically about how Underpants will turn into Profit.

4th Wipe: Buick won’t even call the Regal TourX a wagon, as industry continues to hide from “old-fashioned” nomenclature. Meanwhile, nostalgia for every other 80s-era concept is raking in the cash.


5th Wipe: GM introducing in-car Marketplace app with voice activated shopping while you drive. If only your dad had this back when he was ranting about needing “another f*cking thermostat o-ring for this f*cking piece of sh*t Chevy” while your mom quietly tried to apologize for him.

Flush: Andres Citroen was born on this day in 1878. When his parents first saw him, they broke down.