Welcome to The Morning Sh*t! Please welcome today’s guest writer, from SNL’s Weekend Update, up-and-coming comedian David Spade.
1st Wipe: Tesla! Everyone’s favorite rock band and money-losing electric carmaker is projecting big sales numbers. We liked your story the first time…when it was called Fisker.
2nd Wipe: Nissan’s operating profit is down again on the news that they didn’t just stop everything and make millions of Rogues instead. It’s a shame.
3rd Wipe: Meanwhile, Volvo just announced four consecutive years of increased sales. Apparently moms around the world love keeping their kids safe while turning around to beat the crap out of them as they drive down the turnpike. That’s called irony. Too much? OK, moving on.
4th Wipe: The so-called “sharing economy” is now reaching the ultra-wealthy with things like vineyards, paintings, and luxury cars. Look, teaching a billionaire to share is like teaching a 3-year-old to share: They kick and scream and brag about artwork that looks like somebody just had diarrhea all over a canvas. Doesn’t work, folks.
5th Wipe: 12 car companies have partnered up with Chinese app developer Didi. Or, in news from the near future, Chinese carmaker Didi mysteriously puts 12 other carmakers out of business.
Flush: Way back in 1933, the Boeing 247 made its first flight, allowing passengers to travel across the country without changing planes — a feat that Frontier Airlines is still trying to accomplish.
That’s all for me, folks. Enjoy your crash-themed shitposts!