Welcome to The Morning Sh*t! Happy Embiggen Day, Oppo, I hope it’s a cromulent one.
1st Wipe: Trump considering adding 25-cent tax to gasoline. Then he can move to the desert and lead a band of marauders who oversee a black market for fuel, but that’s probably more of a Jared/Ivanka thing.
2nd Wipe: JD Power dependability survey results are back and, once again, infotainment complaints top the list. Don’t worry: Fiat, Chrysler and Land Rover are still at the bottom, but infotainment sucks, too.
3rd Wipe: The NHTSA is under Congressional scrutiny for being unprepared to deal with emerging car tech, while submerging car tech expertise all died with Ted Kennedy.
4th Wipe: GM’s factory workers protesting upcoming plant closure in South Korea. While overall Korean-US relations may be strained, everyone agrees that Chloe Kim is totes adorbs and a badass in the halfpipe.
5th Wipe: Trump will probably find a way to take credit for the Korean plant closure, even though it won’t move jobs to the US and is an objectively logical business decision. Or Kim Jong-Un’s fault, somehow.
Flush: Today in 1998, Dale Earnhardt Sr. finally won his first Daytona 500, but just three years later he hit a wall, secretly retired from racing, and moved into a Masonic Lodge with Tupac Shakur and Elvis Presley.