The Morning Sh*t – Your Daily TL;DR Summary of Jalopnik for 3/22/2018

Welcome to The Morning Sh*t! I just realized Uber has an iPhone app and I should stop trying to hail them from the middle of the road.

1st Wipe: She was crossing near the corner in Tempe, Arizona, she had lots of projects on her mind. Two from one professor, seven other stressors, but one that never crossed her mind. Take it easy. Take it easy. Looks like the future of these cars is getting hazy.

2nd Wipe: Elon Musk will remain Tesla CEO, isn’t leaving for Mars any time soon. At least not until the three-boobed hookers get there first.


3rd Wipe: Ford trying to buy and renovate Detroit’s historic Central Station; believes in a visionary future of automobiles with long, modular, efficient cars that ride on rails and carry hundreds of people at a time.

4th Wipe: Mitsubishi has lots of great new products to try, if only you could remember where your town’s Mitsubishi dealer is located. Google Maps still lists it as a condemned pizzeria downtown.

5th Wipe: MINI struggling to maintain sales numbers, even after creating a dozen variants of the same basic idea: A car smaller and more expensive than the rest of competition except FIAT.

Splashback: Today in 1983 marked the beginning of the High Mobility Multipurpose Wheeled Vehicle (HMMWV), or “Hummer” for short. Panama and then Kuwait, Schwarzenegger bought a spate, portal axles, four-wheel drive, steel keeps your fam alive, lane-wide, inside: big as a house. Later came the GM buy, H2 was a poseur lie, then H3 was kinda cool but it was too late. Gas prices went through the roof, dealers wanted income proof, neighbors judged you for your car and the earth got too hot. CAFÉ rules began to change, bigger cars looked kinda strange, hybrids, compacts, gas got real cheap. By that point it was too late, the H2 went to meet its fate, production cycles take too long for cars that compensate for schlongs. The H1 never made it far, DeMuro crushed a little car, Autotrader found their star, YouTube battles, clickbait wars, I can’t take it anymore.


We didn’t kill the Hummer. It was always bangin’ since the days of Reagan.

Share This Story