The Morning Sh*t – Your Daily TL;DR Summary of Jalopnik for 5/4/2018

Welcome to The Morning Sh*t! “Fourth of May, with you, may it be.” – European Yoda

1st Wipe: Martin Winterkorn probably won’t face trial in the US, but also probably can’t leave Germany if he wants to avoid extradition. Well, unless he takes a long vacation to Argentina or something.

2nd Wipe: Elon Musk ignored analyst questions during Tesla earnings call, preferring to go to YouTubers for discussion. Still no answer as to whether the existence a black Model X secretly represents the marginalization of white males in America.


3rd Wipe: And Tesla stock collectively lost over $2 billion in value as Elon winged it. YouTubers suspect Jewish conspiracy.

4th Wipe: BMW operating profits down 3% on exchange rates. When asked whether this signaled anything for Q2, executives insisted that BMW never signals anything.

5th Wipe: GM’s Orion, Michigan economy car factory adds another notch to its belt as it builds the Bolt and leads way for company’s autonomous future.

Splashback: Bruce Springsteen released “Pink Cadillac” today in 1984, bolstering false hope for millions of Mary Kay consultants around the world.

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