It's no crime to love cars, but sometimes love turns into obsession. Like a Comedy Central roast, it's turn we blast the cars that are fapped over way too much. Better get some ice.

Shit's going to get mean.

1. Focus ST/Fiesta ST

If somebody who didn't know cars came to OppositeLock, they'd think the Ford ST pair came with an intermittent fellatio option. I'm sure in every used Focus/Fiesta ST that will hit the used-car marketplace, this will be 3-5 crusty socks in them.

Is this car the second coming of Jesus H. Christ? Nope. It's mostly just a Mazdaspeed3 from 2007. I hear the Fiesta ST is good.


2. Honda S2000

What once started out as the cheaper alternative to your sister's sorority friend's Boxster quickly became the car of people who drink Mountain Dew and hate their middle class parents.


While the S2000 may have 240 hp, it's only available at 8000 RPM plus, otherwise it's a slow gayer Miata. It's not the holy grail of drivers cars, it's a Miata with a Honda badge.

The only thing less interesting than it's attributes is hearing about selling it.


3. Ford Ranger

You know what's less interesting than my daily Scion xB? Not even the Staind cover band setlist is as uninteresting as my Scion. However, the Ford Ranger is.

The Ford Ranger is a truck. There's my review.

It boggles my mind how one boring vehicle can be fapped and posted over so much. There's only a finite amount of things one mediocre pickup can do, and that number is probably lower than five.


4. Chevrolet Corvette

The general consensus in Oppo as of late has always used this geezer-mobile as a rebuttal to every single car argument. Since it's the Internet and all everyone does is argue using number specs and sheets, the Corvette is to go-to value trump cars.


The Corvette might horsepower-to-weight bargain, but it's still a car for old fat white men who have trouble getting it up without thinking about expense reports and their grandaughter's friends. Argue it all you want, have fun driving one and being taken seriously. Seriously.

5. All Buicks

Buick is still an old person's car for those who want wheels to shuttle them comfortable into their plot in the ground. Sure, they made that 'Turbo Brick' that everyone wants to fap over, but guess what? It's only marginally fast and corners like a truck. Show up to one in an autocross and you'll be behind the $500 Civics.


6. All BMWs

The "Ultimate Driving Machine" is mostly notably known for ultimately falling apart. Any post you see about a BMW will have the word 'refined' as least 4-6 times in it. In most cases, the badge is worth more than the car itself.


Go ahead and fap all day to the amazingness of BMW, but your gear shifts are still rubbery and your Check Engine light is probably on.

7. Scion FR-S/Subaru BRZ

Just transplant everything I said about the Ford ST cars into here and add a Monster hat to the car.


8. Mazda Miata/MX-5

This is the ultimate of ultimate Jalop fapmobiles. If we used to semen for every person who's came over a Miata we'd have enough to license and build them ourselves, entirely out of jizz.


Here's the dish on the Miata, it's slow, rough, loud, windy, terrible on the highway, not great on gas, cramped, and has less sex appeal than furrys or anime. Yeah, no one likes furries. Or anime. No one.

9. Diesel Mercedes

Wow, you're so quirky and different, you've got a Diesel Mercedes. How very hipster of you. Your car's eccentric and hipster and will last forever. The sheer irony of your car is impervious to judgement.



The Diesel Mercedes is slow, rough, barely starts in winter, and slow. It's slow.


10. Volvos & Saabs

One rung above Diesel Mercedes in the bid for most hipster car are Swedish car enthusiasts. Normal cars are just too mainstream, so I'll have a Volvo 240. And I'll have a wagon, cause it's so ironic

The only thing cool about driving a volvo wagon is that you're inside and don't have to look at how lame you are to the outside world. All that Swedish quirkiness has actually turned into people repellent, deterring people away from having to listen to an hour-long story about why the key in his Saab goes in the console.


You know what? Fuck all cars. There are no good cars. No cars are all good.