This morning, I tried to thin out the ridiculous number of loyalty cards in my my wallet. I found my BMW Ultimate Benefits™ card, which I've yet to use in the not-quite 2 years I've had my BMW. So I decided to see the sort of Ultimate Benefits™ to which I am entitled as a BMW driver.

If you watch the video at the top of this post, you might get the impression that BMW Ultimate Benefits™ include surfing, rock climbing, skydiving, tropical resorts, driving along mountain passes, roller coasters, mountain biking, and shopping in fancy malls while wearing stiletto heels. Well, I'm here to set the record straight.

This is the BMW Ultimate Benefits™ site. Because BMW Ultimate Benefits™ is such an exclusive club, you can't actually see the Ultimate Benefits™ unless you have a BMW. But as a BMW driver, I have access, exclusive access in fact, and can share with you the amazing Ultimate Benefits™ that I qualify for as a BMW driver.

Just look at these amazing deals!

Audible Books - Two whole free audio books.

Bang & Olufsen - $100 off a Beolit 12 bluetooth speaker from beoplay.com, while supplies last. I just checked beoplay.com and they don't list the Beolit 12 bluetooth speaker, only the Beolit 15 bluetooth speaker. I guess supplies didn't last.

Advertisement

Dean & Deluca - 15% off a minimum order of $150 from this gourmet food store. I'm a food nerd so this was appealing, until I saw the prices at Dean & Deluca. $14 for a jar of pickles, anyone?

DriveNow - This is BMW's electric car sharing service in the San Francisco area. So if I ever find myself in San Francisco, I can pay by the minute to drive an electric 1-series, and I get 25% off the lifetime registration fee. The registration fee is $39. That's almost 10 bucks saved.

PGA Tour BMW Championship - If I ever wanted to go to a PGA Tour golf event, I could park in the special BMW owners' parking lot, and spectate from the BMW owners' pavilion. Except when I think of golf, mostly I think of the golf-playing assholes in my life and then I want to hit them with a 9 iron.

Advertisement

Red Door Spa - 20% off at any of the 28 Elizabeth Arden Red Door Spa locations, as long as I go Monday through Thursday. The closest Red Door Spa to me is in Chicago, about 3 hours away, and what the hell am I going to do at a spa anyway?

Sea Island - $250 "Experience Credit" at this golf resort off the coast of Georgia. And we know how I feel about golf.

Wolfgang Puck - Assorted deals at Wolfgang Puck restaurants in California & Las Vegas. One such deal is a California Tasting Menu and a cook book signed by Wolfgang Puck, for $165 per person. The only time I've eaten at a Wolfgang Puck restaurant was when I had a connecting flight through the St. Louis airport and I got a soup & panini at a Wolfgang Puck airport cafe. The soup was so hot it burned the roof of my mouth.

Advertisement

Unfortunately, merging without using your turn signals isn't listed anywhere on the BMW Ultimate Benefits™ site.