This is a platform for User Generated Content. G/O Media assumes no liability for content posted by Kinja users to this platform.

The Six Commandments

Illustration for article titled The Six Commandments

The Scrambler says it can be done started a "what are the ten commandments?" thread a while back. I've only just noticed it, and since this has been sitting in my drafts folder for a while, I figured I might as well throw it out there now while the subject's vaguely live.


Herein be the Commandments by which we who live to drive ſhall abide.

The number of our Commandments ſhall be Six. Six be the Holy number, for it Hath both primary and ſecondary balance. In our cylinders we may ſtray from holiness, in search of rorty ſounds, torque, or mere Practicality, but in our driving we muſte know balance.


Commandment the First: Thou shalt endanger none but thyself

Thou mayeſt exerciſe thy mature and conſidered Judgement as to riſks. Yea, and verily thy Judgement maye differ from that of thy local Law Enforcement Officials, for Tyranny muſt be reſiſted. But Shalt thy Judgement be in Error, and Shalt that Error injure others, thou wilt have earned the Contempt of all true Hoones.


And that wilt be Nothing compared to the Contempt thou ſhalt feel for thyſelf.

Forgiveness ſhall be granted unto thee only for Legitimate Racing Incidents in controlled environments, for the other driver Kneweth into what he waſt getting.


Commandment the Second: Thou shalt not endanger thyself unnecessarily

Life is riſk, and We who live to drive know that we may be called to pay the Price.


But injuries ſustained through thine Idiocy shall forever remind thee that thou waſt a Fool, and thy ſcarring shall grate upon thee more greatly as thou groweſt Older and Wiser.

Moreover, thou haſt Loved Ones. And to Condemn them to know that thou diedst being a Dickheadde ſhall be a Torment upon thy eternal ſoul.


Commandment the Third: Thou shalt take pleasure in thy driving

Where thou may take The Roade Less Travelled, thou shalt

Where thou must take The Roade more Travelled, thou Shalt treasure the moments as thou Canſt


To treate a drive as a chore ſhall be a Sin amongst us

Commandment the Fourth: Subject only to the other commandments, thou Shalt drive as thou Wilt.

If thy pleaſure be in the Carving of Corners, it is well, for a neatly clipped apex is a Holy and beautiful thing


If thy pleaſure be in Overſteere, it is well, for the Lord appreciateth a good powerſlide, just like the next Guy

If thy pleaſure be in Underſteere, thou art Weird. But it is well, for thoſe touched by the Moon are granted preſcience; and thou ſhalt surely ſee thine Accident coming.


If thy pleaſure be in Burnouts, it is well, for tyres are Evil and muſt be puniſhed

If thy pleaſure be in fuel economy; nay, even in not waking thy ſleeping Paſſenger, it is well, granted only that thou taketh thy pleaſure from the Joy of delicacy, or of beating thy numbers, and not from ſome miſguided ſenſe of Obligationne.


If thy pleaſure be in ſimple Cruiſing, it is well, for Nirvana lieth in the rumble of the exhauſte

If thou art a Driving God, it is well, for the ſpirit of Ayrton delighteth in competition


If thou art a Drift Idiot, a Tail End Charlie, or even ſtruggling to maſter the clutche, it is well, for God loveth a Tryer

Howſoever thy driving pleaſeth thee, it is Well, save onlie that thy pleaſure cometh Not from the diſpleasure of others


Commandment the Fifth: Thou Shalt drive All thy vehicles when thou Canst

Fettling, maintenance, reſtoration and upgrades are Well, for there isse dignity in labour


Cleaning and poliſhing are Well, for ſhininess helpeth us to know which ſide should be Up

But the Soul of the machine is Motion, and to deny a Soul expreſſion is abhorrent unto God. Thou ſhalt Not make of thy car a Garage Queen.


Commandment the Last: Thou shalt not Disrespect another man's Ride

Nor another woman's Ride. For we who Love to drive are as one, and Paternalistic Butchered English notwithſtanding, the "-isms" have no place Amongst us


Not even a Donk. For a paſſion for cars is worthy of Reſpect, even if it Aligneth not with thine own paſſion

Nay, nor even a Camry. For there are truly thoſe for whom Need must outweigh Deſire, and the Soul of a Hoone may ſtill live, deep within them.


The only Exception shall be the Rides of Thoſe who give not a Damn about their cars. In such a caſe, Fill thy Boots.

Share This Story

Get our newsletter