Q: Is that Christina Hendricks?

A: Uh, no.

Q: But it’s a redhead with huge ass titties!

A: Well if it helps she’s a fake redhead who likes to dye her hair crazy “keep away” colors, as some people put it:

Q: Ok so who is she and why should I care?

A: Her name is Debby Ryan and her biggest claim to fame is being on not one but two Disney Channel shows. As for why you should care...I don’t know, because she has huge boobs? There’s some other stuff we’ll get to later. At least she hasn’t said anything about knowing that her fans fap to her which was consequently rerun by Gawker.

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Though in this day and age I’m pretty sure she knows her fans fap to her. I’m also pretty sure she thinks its gross.

Q: Ok so what are these two shows?

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A: The first one was The Suite Life on Deck which if you’re part of the generation that would’ve been in the target demo you might have seen. It was the sequel series to The Suite Life of Zack and Cody which is another show you might’ve seen. The first show had that blonde girl who was in High School Musical as the Paris Hilton wannabee. Incidentally both The Suite Life series had a Paris Hilton wannabee in it too (though this time it was an Asian girl) so apparently Disney Channel thought Paris Hilton was sooo hilarious for the children. Moreover both shows were star vehicles for twins Dylan and Cole Sprouse, who were more or less the distaff (gender-swapped) counterparts of Ashley and Mary Kate Olsen. If you’re of a certain age you might remember Ashley and Mary Kate Olsen as being inescapable during the 90s and even into the early part of the last decade, as they rode the success of Full House into trying to spin off their very identities as marketable brands and paving the way for child stars that have come since (or you might remember Mary Kate Olsen as the last person Heath Ledger likely fucked before he died). Since Full House they put out a slew of terrible direct-to-video and even a few theatrical-release movies and starred in the short-lived FOX Family show So Little Time before FOX realized how fucking bonkers it was to buy a network from Pat Fucking Robertson and dumped it off to, incidentally, Disney who in turn laughed right in Pat’s face by turning it into the network that gave us fucking bonkers shit like The Secret Life of the American Teenager. Do you remember The Secret Life of the American Teenager? Pepperidge Farms does, and so do I, and here let me just show you what would happen if aliens who had no idea how teenage women act or talk tried to make a TV show about teenage women:

Anyway, it was pretty obvious that Dylan and Cole Sprouse were groomed to be the guy Olsen twins, except it didn’t work out because the genius executives at Disney actually managed to piss them off to the degree where they just flat out quit acting to pursue this thing called getting an education or something, apparently unique in the child acting world. Gawker ran a story about it which blew up very recently despite being about two years old. Anyway, in the first Suite Life show they live in a hotel, and on the second one they live in a cruise ship, which sounds pretty freakin’ sweet to me.

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Q: Ok so she was on both The Suite Life shows?

A: No only the second one. She played Bailey Pickett, who was the obligatory country hick character to show how kway-zay us city-dwellers are while she spent all her time being awed onboard a cruise ship with such fancy accouterments as indoor plumbing.

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...ok, so it wasn’t quite that bad. Though it got close at times.

But it still managed to be a fun silly show if you are into that kind of thing, like, I don’t know, if you have brain damage like me or something. Also, Bailey was the love interest of Cody Martin, played by Cole Sprouse who is featured in that video in the Gawker article.

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Q: Is that John Micheal Higgins as London’s Dad?

A: Yes, yes it is.

Q: So what was Debby’s second show on Disney Channel?

A: ...oh boy. And ugh.

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Before we get into that, it’s probably best I frame some background info first like last time so you can better appreciate where all this shit is coming from.

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Q: Wow that lady in the middle is hella old, also holy fuck that blonde chick all the way to the left is like really crazy smokin’ hot, Jeezus Cryst, and that underaged kid with the fake champagne is totally photobombing, also Getty Images? Really?

A: Uh, thanks for bringing all of that up I guess. Anyway that “lady in the middle who is hella old” is Pamela Eells O’Connell. She’s important because she was one of the creative forces behind both Suite Life series and Jessie, which is the second show Debby Ryan was on and her own starring vehicle. Moreover, if you’re really old you’d remember some of the other shows O’Connell helped make happen - no, not more kiddie shit, but stuff people actually respect like The Nanny (ok maybe not so much that one) but also Mad About You and freakin’ Married...With Children and even all the way back to Laverne and Shirley if I’m not mistaken.

My point is, needless to say she has some serious comedy credentials and she should know better.

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Q: What do you mean “she should know better?”

A: Well because...ugh.

Long story short, Jessie is a pretty terrible show. Even Deadspin, yeah those guys, told you how terrible it is. They even got their cute little animation below with the lizard eating Debby’s face and shit which you can see without having to actually click on the link (fortunately).

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Q: Wait WTF does a lizard have to do with this?

A: Yeah.... There’s a lizard on the show because the creators and writers of the show thought it would be fuckin’ hilarious to have a lizard on the show. They even worked on how to have it make sense in context, all the while making the show at least slightly racist at the same time.

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Q: ...what?

A: I could go at length but the Deadspin article pretty much covers it. In summation: Debby plays a nanny to a bunch of rich spoiled brats and they treat her like total shit, cue laugh track. You have Debby herself who plays the titular (hehe) nanny Jessie who stands there and gets humiliated while she helps fuel little boys’ wet dreams with her 52c’s.

You have the crazy hot blonde chick you pointed out earlier who mostly just stands there and provides yet more little boys’ wet dream bait and I mean literally she looks like Disney Channel genetically cloned her made-to-order, like they didn’t think Debby’s boobs would be enough. Here I’ll dig up another picture of her:

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And this is just her getting out of the goddamn fucking car. It’s like Hitler won the war, then teamed up with Walt Disney to engineer actresses to appear in children’s programming (fully approved for children’s consumption by the Reichsministrium of course). That just ain’t fucking natural, man. Oh, and she just turned 17 by the way if your mind is naturally going there, so you might want to make your mind stop that. She’s not the only one who looks custom made by Disney Channel, not by a long shot.

Anyway, you also have the little sassy black girl who just mostly stands there and say sassy black girl stuff, the “cool” kid (the photobombing one in the picture above) who does designated cool kid stuff and the little Indian kid who mostly gets to be the obligatory geek character/Indian stereotype who also has a pet lizard, see above.

Q: Well it seems like you have this Q&A pretty well wrapped up, hey thanks for warning the world about Disney’s genetic engineering teen girl ubermensch program....

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A: But wait! I’m not done yet!

Q: Wait does Disney also have Hitler’s frozen head or something?

A: No. Well...pretty sure they don’t. But I’m not done talking about Jessie.

See - and I know this is going to sound crazy - but Jessie actually isn’t a terrible show. Or at least it wasn’t always so terrible.

See, a long time ago, already years ago, it wasn’t always about a bunch of super bratty, super spoiled super rich kids which included a strangely very attractive perfectly blonde girl who always shit on their equally very attractive strangely well-endowed redheaded nanny. It was about a very attractive strangely well-endowed redheaded Texan teenage girl who ran away from home to get away from her Army dad (actually making this one of the darker Disney Channel series in a stealthy, subtle manner) so that she can go to New York to try to find herself and hopefully become an actress along the way, and landed at a nanny job to a bunch of super rich but not yet quite spoiled or bratty kids that strangely included an equally very attractive perfectly blonde girl. Though it won’t impress anybody who’s in turn not impressed by standard Disney Channel faire, it was actually a really good show for what it was. It had genuine heartwarming moments about an independent young adult woman who was trying to pass on her wisdom and experiences to a younger generation and share in their own experiences growing up. It actually covered some pretty heavy topics such as adult relationships (as in, actual relationships between actual adults that didn’t always end in a clean Disney fashion), bullying, and dealing with adoption.

Much like how many people can’t get past the surprisingly charming Dog With a Blog’s title, Jessie is constantly underestimated at every turn. And this coming from a guy who...ah who the hell am I kidding /tv/ is my favorite hangout, why the hell else am I even devoting so much time talking about this in the first place? My point is this show actually is good, or at least was at one point, and no I don’t care that everybody’s staring at me like I’m some crazy guy.

I’ll give you two things though. First of all, the B-plots were often downright stupid and could easily suck the hard-worked charm from the A-plots (or occasionally vice-versa). And then something happened, around the time Drew started apparently watching Jessie for Why Your Children’s Show Sucks Whatever. The writers apparently lost their goddamn minds and started doubling-down on exactly the same type of shit people make fun of at Disney Channel or cross-town rival Nickelodeon. The adult characters (including the frickin’ goddamn main star whom the fucking show is named after) instantly got dumbed down to a degree that would make people wearing Kim Kardashian for President buttons unironically blush. Jessie herself went from a highly competent and independent young woman capable of singing, fighting (as in legitimate fisticuffs even) and even flying a helicopter to someone who’s life became a literal joke. Almost every waking moment of her life became a failure to the point where I wouldn’t fault someone for committing suicide in her shoes, all played for laughs - where she had found reasonable success before, she suddenly failed every acting gig, singing opportunity or even basic wage job that came her way, and of course her love life made Sheldon look like a well-adjusted ladies man.

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All the while her charges instantly became bratty to the extreme turned up to eleven and would pretty much do everything short of literally spitting and shitting on her. And yes, somehow this was treated as celebratory behavior. In the meantime people wonder if the only reason why this show exists is to show off Debby’s boobs and I turn blue in the face trying to explain how this was a good show with nobody believing me.

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This image is all Cracked.com, not me. Go blame them for body image shaming, not me! Hey, I’m on your side, reader! Don’t blame the messenger! Hey stop calling me a hypocrite!

But, ah well. Maybe I just have too much of a personal attachment to this show.

Q: Huh?

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A: Oh yeah that’s a fun personal story. See around the time Jessie was just starting to get really hot on Disney Channel, I was dating this girl who actually coincidentally resembles Debby down to the fake ginger dye-job. And then I discovered I had cancer. And then my girlfriend decided that would be the perfect time to dump me.

So I had a lot of time on my hands which in the first week or so was spent watching the endless Pawn Stars reruns on History Channel and then when I was flipping channels wondering if there was more to life than freakin’ Pawn Stars I landed on this TV show on this network I never before would’ve considered watching where dancing on this screen was this girl who looked a lot like the ex who just friggin’ dumped me (well, actually, before that was Phineas and Ferb which prevented me from changing the channel, but the redhead after that made me decide to stay). Not only did I have a lot of time to learn a lot about the depths of Disney Channel, but the stupid redhead girl and her stupid, insipid TV show about bratty rich spoiled teens ended up doing more for me when I was under chemo than nearly damn near anybody else. It didn’t take long for me to take a particular liking to her with stuff like it turns out we share the same birthday and such.

A: Wow that’s pretty sad.

Q: Yeah, I guess it is.

Q: You know I mean “sad” as in pathetic, right?

A: Oh.

Q: So so far you’ve been just talking about the TV show, what about the actual actress?

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A: Oh, Debby? Well she was born Deborah Ann Ryan, obviously the product of her parents deciding it would be fun to saddle their daughter forever with a grandma name. She started acting at a young age, apparently because her parents wanted to get her into a hobby young that she could also socialize in. She lived in Huntsville, AL until her dad (who was in the Army or something?) was deployed to Germany so she spent until the age of 10 or so living there and learning fluent German which makes her perfect for leading the resistance against the Disney blonde uberfraulein. At that point her family moved back to the States and in the Ft. Worth area, which is why so much of Jessie is about a Texan because it’s supposed to be autobiographical.

Q: Wait so all that failhard shit from the show is actually supposed to be true to life?

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A: Well no, or at least in an exaggerated fashion. I don’t know if the show character’s neverending list of failed boyfriends and relationships is true or not at least. At least I hope not. But more on that a little later. Anyway, so she’s living at Ft. Worth as a teen, yay, she starts working on getting more acting gigs, the type of stuff tweens might get. Meanwhile she’s in middle school and she’s in the chess club, blah blah blah and she’s the school’s mascot. And she complains in interviews about being bullied in middle school although she won’t elaborate on the details. And through an agent got a possible role on what was then her favorite show, The Suite Life of Zack and Cody. As it turned out it was for the sequel show The Suite Life on Deck and it was for a major role, which she ended up winning and as was described all the way at the beginning, the rest is history.

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Then she turned out to be the big breakout character (probably for stuff like this) and then she sat down with Old Lady Pammy and said she wanted her own show. Well both Old Lady Pammy and Disney Channel said “sure!” and for whatever reason in their infinite wisdom decided it needed to be a The Nanny clone so that’s what we got, and now people like Drew from Deadspin can call it the worst thing mankind has ever made. What’s really impressive is that this is a show Debby actually co-created herself, and she ended up with official producer credits in the second season becoming the youngest female star in Disney Channel history to do so up to that point in time (and still tied for that record today). She later directed a few episodes of the show, again becoming the youngest female director in Disney Channel history. She also had a major hand in helping to cast the show and oh crap that means she’s in on the uberfraulien conspiracy!

Anyway that’s the gist of it, as you can see it’s pretty straightforward and even boring. Unlike other Disney Channel or Nickelodeon stars like say Amanda Bynes or even Miley Cyrus she doesn’t go batshit crazy and try to paint an image of anything other than someone well-adjusted. Even though there are cracks that are starting to show.

Q: Like what cracks?

A: Like the fact that she’s been bullied by one of her own costars who happens to be half her weight, size and age.

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Q: What the fuck?

A: Skai Jackson, the little black sassy girl. She keeps posting shade and shit on Twitter like this:

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Yes, that’s right, she used the Photoshop blur tool on the one costar that made it possible for her to have a leading role on a TV show in the first place.

And then there is how she had been stalked and abused by people in the past, which just goes to show she has terrible luck sometimes in the people she ends up with and really needs a hug. Especially when she cries in fake elevators for undisclosed reasons.

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In fact she has a tendency to make weird comments sometimes on her Tumblr and Twitter accounts if you pay attention to them. It’s pretty clear that something is up, but she’s really good at being cryptic about it. Looking over all the available evidence it seems like that despite being a millionaire at the age of 22 and being a successful actress across two TV shows, she still has a lot of confidence and personal image issues. I might too if people constantly talk about how my star vehicle was the worst thing mankind has ever put to screen and that my star assets are limited strictly to my bust size and buttcheeks.

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And then there’s her taste in boyfriends (not the guy who stalked her BTW):

Yes, those are full sleeve tats and gauge earrings. BTW she still hangs out with Cole Sprouse all the time so your shipping dreams are not dead yet.

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And then there’s the bullring and crazy hair colors she got as soon as the show wrapped production on its final episode:

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People have been highly critical of her new look but Debby has made comments that this has actually been something she’s been wanting to try for a while, so I say good for her. It’s kind of clear she wants to be like every other Disney star and push away from what people associate herself with now. And, oh yeah, she has a band now called The Neverending. I even got to go to one of her concerts where I illegally recorded this video!

Despite clearing wanting to move on to a “grown up” sound I was completely surrounded by little kids.

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Q: Wow that’s all sorts of creepy and wrong right there

A: ...that’s not a question.

Q: You know way too much about this chick, are you stalking her?

A: My lawyer has advised me to answer no further questions.