When in the Course of human events, it becomes necessary for one people to dissolve the economic softwares which have connected them with another, and to assume among the powers of the Internet, the separate and equal station to which the Laws of Internet and of Internet's God entitle them, a decent respect to the opinions of mankind requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the separation.
We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men (and $kaycog) are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty of Transportation and the pursuit of Hoon.—That to secure these rights, Websites are instituted among Men (and $kaycog), deriving their just powers from the consent of the users, —That whenever any Form of Website becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the Users to alter or to abolish it, and to institute new Domain, laying its foundation on such principles and organizing its powers in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their Posting Ability and Authorship. Prudence, indeed, will dictate that Websites long established should not be changed for light and transient causes; and accordingly all experience hath shewn, that userkind are more disposed to suffer, while evils are sufferable, than to right themselves by abolishing the forms to which they are accustomed. But when a long train of abuses and usurpations, pursuing invariably the same Object evinces a design to reduce them under absolute Despotism, it is their right, it is their duty, to throw off such Websites, and to provide new URLs for their future security.—Such has been the patient sufferance of these Blogs and Subblogs; and such is now the necessity which constrains them to alter their former Systems of Website. The history of the present Nick Denton of Gawker Media is a history of repeated injuries and usurpations, all having in direct object the establishment of an absolute Tyranny over these Blogs and Subblogs. To prove this, let Facts be submitted to a candid world.
He has practiced Yellow Journalism to the utmost extent.
He has forbidden his Authors from deploring the extreme use of Clickbait.
He has refused to grant exception from Kinja for the accommodation of large online communities of people.
He has withheld the rights of Stability and Tranquility of Site Platform from the people who live under his rule.
He has repeatedly used the work of free men and women for his own gain, and has refused compensation of said peoples.
He has attacked the unalienable right we hold highest of all: the Right to Drive Free or Die.
He has erected a multitude of New Subblogs, and sent hither swarms of Authors to harrass our users, and eat out their free time.
He has combined with others to subject us to a jurisdiction foreign to our constitution, and unacknowledged by our laws; giving his Assent to their Acts of pretended Legislation:
For Quartering large bodies of armed Trolls among us:
For cutting off our Discussion with all parts of the Kinjaverse:
For imposing Grey on us without our Consent:
For depriving us in many cases, of the benefits of Trial by Moderator:
For transporting us beyond News to Rampant Sensationalism.
He has taken away our Ad Hoc Forums, abolished our most valuable Notification Systems, and altered fundamentally the Forums of our Discussions.
He has plundered our Website Layouts, ravaged our Sidebars, burnt our Personal Blogs, and destroyed the lives of our users.
He has excited domestic insurrections amongst us, and has endeavoured to bring on the inhabitants of our frontiers, the merciless Gawker Commenter Savages, whose known rule of warfare, is an undistinguished destruction of all ages, sexes and conditions who don't agree exactly with them.
In every stage of these Oppressions We have Petitioned for Redress in the most humble terms: Our repeated Petitions have been answered only by repeated disregard. An Editor in Chief whose character is thus marked by every act which may define a Tyrant, is unfit to be the ruler of a free userbase.
Nor have We been wanting in attentions to our Kinja brethren. We have warned them from time to time of attempts by their legislature to extend an unwarrantable jurisdiction over us. We have reminded them of the circumstances of our emigration and settlement here. We have appealed to their native justice and magnanimity, and we have conjured them by the ties of our common kindred to disavow these usurpations, which, would inevitably interrupt our posting and discussion. They too have been deaf to the voice of justice and of consanguinity. We must, therefore, acquiesce in the necessity, which denounces our Separation, and hold them, as we hold the rest of mankind, Enemies in Vile Discussion, in Polite Correspondence Friends.
We, therefore, the Representatives of the United Peoples of Oppositelock, in General Comment Thread, Assembled, appealing to the Supreme Judge of the internet (Al Gore) for the rectitude of our intentions, do, in the Name, and by Authority of the good People of these Blogs and Subblogs, solemnly publish and declare, That these United Peoples are, and of Right ought to be Free and Independent Blogs and Subblogs; that they are Absolved from all Allegiance to the Gawker Media Empire, and that all political connection between them and the Institution of Gawker Media, is and ought to be totally dissolved; and that as Free and Independent Online Communities, they have full Power to levy Site Platform Stability, conclude Trolls, contract C&C Gatherings, establish Commerce of Merchandise, and to do all other Acts and Things which Independent Online Communities may of right do. And for the support of this Declaration, with a firm reliance on the protection of divine Hoon, we mutually pledge to each other our Lives, our Tires and our sacred Miata.