I’m looking for a new job. One of the reasons is because several of the people I work are terrible. But today is someone who I actually like’s last day, and my admin, bless her heart, suggested that I offer to get lunch for everyone in honor of this dude’s last day. Good idea!
Because I dislike several of the people who I am buying lunch for using my expense account because I don’t actually want to pay for this, I felt compelled to send out a suitably snarky email to everyone:
As we all know, today is Ted’s last day and Ted also likes to eat. A lot. As long as he doesn’t have to actually make something for a potluck and can get away with bringing in taco dip from the grocery store.
Well Ted, in honor of your last day, you don’t have to bring any taco dip. You just have to pick what sub you want from Capriotti’s. Everyone send me your order and I’ll call it in once (people who work 12-9) arrive and have had their chance to pick something. Here’s the menu:
Small = 9”
Medium = 12”
Large = 20”
Ted, I’m sure we’ll all be disappointed in you if you order anything other than a large.
I’ve already had two different people come and ask me if they have to pay or if I’m expensing this.
Enjoy your fucking sandwiches, you pricks!
UPDATE, WITH DISCLAIMER FOR THE HUMORLESS:
I can see how out of context, “HAHAHA you eat a lot” looks dickish. Ted is a super in-shape guy who works out all the time and quite amusingly eats in large quantities. He often makes fun of the amount of food he eats. He’s in on the joke. I wouldn’t go there if the topic wasn’t already established as fair game by him.