Well folks, it's car meet/car show time again. East Coasters are remembering what decent weather feels like and Southern California has been rescued from a freezing, 68 degree Spring and is currently sitting at a balmy 80. This means that enthusiasts are once again free to enjoy their machines without having to break out their automotive manufacturer-branded jackets. If you're a member of this site, you're probably planning on attending at least one of these events over the coming months. However, not all car meets are created equal. Here is your guide to five of the most common types of car-centric events, and the people who attend them.

Note: This post is completely irreverent and intended to be comedic. It is not meant to be taken seriously. I enjoy all of these types of car meets and will partake in each and every one over the course of this coming summer.

1) The Brand-Specific Car Meet

Car models are referred to by their chassis codes in hushed tones. Automaker-brand apparel is worn. Jokes are made at the archrival car company's expense. Pictures are taken to capture the unforgettable moment of 25 nearly identical hatchbacks occupying a fast food restaurant parking lot. Bros tell stories of how fast their cars are to other bros who drive the exact same cars, often with the same mods. Occasionally, the colossal jerk-fest over a single brand actually produces some sound technical advice, as someone else probably just spent either 10,000 hours or 10,000 dollars performing the mod/repair you are considering.


2) The Domestic Meet

"Keep yer foreign junk outta here!" yells Billy Bob from across the parking lot. Little does Billy Bob know his beloved Pontiac GTO is actually a Holden. There are a lot of things Billy Bob doesn't know, including algebra and how to pronounce "rendezvous." But Billy Bob sure does know how to love his country. He hasn't bought anything but 'Murican since 1953 when he returned from the Korean War and currently owns a Canadian Ford Fusion, the aforementioned Australian GTO, and a fully American, red-blooded Chevrolet Chevette. Billy Bob would be mighty glad to meet you, provided you don't drive "one of them new terbo-chargey thingies."


3) The #StanceNation Meet

These guys don't care what you drive, as long as it's been rendered inoperable by cut springs, camber and stretched tires.


Bro 1: Bro, yesterday I totally pissed off this family behind me because I took 18 minutes to go over a speed bump!

Bro 2: *high fives*

Bro 3 (at home) : I wish I could have made it to the StanceNation meet! Too bad my car can't make it out of the driveway without scraping and wearing out my cambered tires. It looks great in the garage though!


4) The All-Comers Meet

The idea of a meet for all interesting cars sounds like a great idea. Until you realize that people have different ideas of what constitutes "interesting". Meet Joe. Joe loves his 2006 Toyota Camry SE. He talks to his friends about its roomy trunk and "grounded to the ground" suspension. He hears about this car meet and decides to take his Camry SE so that he can tell to more people what a great deal he got on it and how "dope" his new Autozone spoiler looks. Joe shows up and obliviously parks between a McLaren F1 and a Ferrari Daytona. While we can appreciate the enthusiasm Joe has for his ride, he causes headaches for scores of photographers who now have to photoshop a gray Camry out of all their pictures. This ordeal is embarrassing for Joe, because as he walks back to his car, a steady stream of boos rises up behind him, and before he knows it he is literally grounded to the ground, and hot coffee is trickling down his face. If only Joe had geeked out at a Toyota-only meet...


5) The Cruise/Drive

Ah,yes. Car enthusiasts using their machines for what they were made for: Getting pulled over. Wait, what? See, Max bought a G35 because BMW wouldn't approve his credit for a 335i. He shows up to this drive and, luck would have it, there just happen to be 14910197 335is there too! Well, Max has had enough of this crap. He NEEDS to show these guys and squash the insecure part of himself that still yearns for kidney grilles and unreliable fuel pumps. So he goes balls-out in the canyons, passing 335is on the wrong side of the road and rocketing up to speeds his G35 never achieved when it was piloted by its previous Jersey Shore guido owner. He whips around a corner on the wrong side of the double yellow and BAM! gets nabbed for 100 in a 35. Max gets hit with a $600 fine, but of course since his credit sucks, he can't pay it and spends a couple nights in jail until he can secure a loan from a bail bondsman at 35% interest. This loan will haunt him for the rest of his life, just because he decided to go on a group cruise.


Now if you'll excuse me, I have a brand-specific meet with a cruise and an all-comer meet to attend in the next week. And I'll love every minute.