So...developed this. Apparently it’s been going for a couple weeks, but my wife didn’t want to tell me since every time her car develops a new issue I get in a bad mood for a few days.

In 64k miles we’ve had:

Unsealed electrical connections under the hood led it to be allergic to water. Regular limp mode and Christmas tree until that got sorted after ~3 billion warranty ‘fixes’.

Intake manifold failed.

Battery died in 26 months (could be related to electrical issues or just a shit battery).

Two wheel bearing failures.

Misfiring due to dead coil packs...twice.

Devours rear brake pads.

Valve cover gasket failed.

Multiple cross threaded bolts on the interior.

Mass carbon buildup at ~50k which I had to fight to get good-willed.

Failed water pump.

Failed coolant globe.

And now TOB.

Other minor crap (failed window, failed key fob, and more!).
100% stock and well maintained 2010 GTI.

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Many points to whomever can predict the next random thing to die.