Tis the season.

Illustration for article titled Tis the season.

I am leaving this bewildering place never to come back until some other religious holiday/event comes, I have heard/seen many interesting things in these few days, its a bit like your thanksgiving; you get to see your family; You get to listen to your family.


The BRZ:

Me: “Does my Cousin still like the Jetta GLI?”

Uncle: “How long ago did you last speak with him”

Me:”I dunno, a year ago”

Uncle: “He’s head over heels for the Honda BRZ or something”

Me: “Isn’t it a Subaru?”

Uncle: “Maybe, I don’t fit in it and I don’t care about it”

Me: “Its a good car, its got boxer engine”

Uncle: “Huh, like a Porsche”

Me: “Yes...”

Uncle: “Not gonna give it to him then...”

On drug dealers:

*On our way from the airport home*

Me: “So how’s things”

Grandfather: “Them drug dealers are crazy”

Me: “Oh, I know...”

Grandfather: “They should burn them, kill them”

Me: “...”

Grandfather: “Even the low level ones, they poison the youth”

Mom: “The have too much money, they bribe the government...”

Grandfather: “Not really! Any low level municipality has more money than them! If they need more money they just hike our taxes”


Everyone: “...”

Grandfather: “goddam mobsters...”

Christmas cops:

*Two patrol cars show up to our home as I’m getting ready to go somewhere*

Officer: “Morning”

Me: “Hello, is everything okay, officer?”

Officer: “We’ve come over for ‘christmas’, you know”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Officer “...”

Grandmother: “Here, have this for your kids or something, happy holidays”

*Hands 500 pesos to the officer*

Officer: “Okay, goodbye!”


Me: “I feel like this place is a bit like California or Texas”

Maria: “It’s totally like Texas”

Me: “...”

Maria: “Well, at least they like pretending they’re Texan when it suits them”

Time distortion

Maria: “Would you like to try my car, we could go to CostCo together”

Me: “Sure, i’d love to”

Mom: “Will you have enough time to go there and then come for lunch”

Maria: “We’ve got more than enough time”

Mom: “It’s only thirty minutes...”

Maria: “We’ll take 15"

*Gets on car*

*Goes to CostCo*

*Buys Nutella and 3kgs of salt*

*Returns 12 minutes later*

GPS signal

Mom: “Just take me there”

Me: “I don’t think you’ve got the address right, Do you know where you’re going?”


Mom: “Yeah yeah, just take me there, I lived here for 20 years I better know my way around”

*Drives into a “Hood” by mom standards*  


Me: “Its a safe place, relax, there’s a University right there”

*Stops for pedestrians to cross*



Me: “Hey doggo! did someone braid your hair!?!?”

*Dog barks nicely*

Mom: “Leave that dog alone and lets leave god dammit!”

My phone:

Grandmother: “What is that phone, what brand is it, is it Samsung or iphone?”

Me: “Oh, its a new brand, I suppose it’s independent from Samsung or Apple”

Grandmother: “Oh, so it’s like El Bronco (the governor)“

Me: “I suppose”

Grandmother: “Well, hopefully your phone still works in six months”

On the new car:

Grandfather: “Why don’t you guys use the new car?”

Grandmother: “Maybe they’re afraid of it”

Grandfather: “Why is everyone so afraid of it! If everyone is afraid of it then no one is ever going to use it!”


Grandmother: “Why don’t you use it?”

Grandfather: “Because I want to share it!”

Me: “Okay, I’ll take my sisters to starbucks with it”

*Five minutes later discussing something else*

Grandfather: “Did you hear they shot up someone up in that bridge yesterday?”

Career choice:

Grandfather: “I’d love to see you as a politician”

Me: “I don’t like it because-”

Grandfather: “You could help me with these building permits”

Me: “...”

Grandfather: “Ya know, legally

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