If your Ford had a Matthew McConaughey, it would be a Lincoln

To The Guy I Caught Peeing On My Wife's Expedition

... In the parking lot of the Texans game. You, who parked next to us in the Escalade, who I screamed at from thirty yards away and made almost piss on yourself. Yeah, YOU.

You should be happy that I was there. Really. I gave you an earful as you zipped up and jumped into your car with your party, but my wife was ready to literally pull you out of the drivers seat and whip your ass. And I’m not using the word “literally” for effect here. She LITERALLY was ready to do it. The only thing that stood between her and you was the calm, cool, and collected me.


I understand that you were doing it because you forgot to go tinkle in the stadium like a big boy as you were leaving. You meant no malice towards us. But you did it. ON HER FRONT BUMPER. IN FRONT OF US.

The ONLY reason why I personally let it go was that you swore up and down that you pissed on the ground and not the truck. You might have, but I wasn’t about to run my fingers along the bumper to confirm that. To my wonderful wife, however, the details of exactly where you aimed your prick mattered not.

For times in the future where you’re out in a public parking lot and nature calls, avoid relieving yourself ANYWHERE NEAR someone else’s vehicle. The consequences might be significantly more dire next time.

End Rant.

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