So I have been on the job hunt a while. Flat out turned down several either because of money, culture, or because ‘you guys are clearly fucked the second the VC tap dries up,’ among other reasons. But of course, this invariably results in a deluge of spam from people who should pursue another career path better suited to their skill set.

Then again, what the hell job can you do if you’re illiterate?

I’d really forgotten just how goddamn terrible so many of these ‘recruiters’ really are. And when I say illiterate, I don’t mean that metaphorically nor am I speaking in hyperbole. There’s just no other explanation for the shit I see.

  • “Systems Engineer” - 40% travel, desktop support too, so not actually an engineer, just an admin. $65-78k/year. From someone well aware I won’t get out of bed under 6 digits. Since I’ve told them that four times in the past month.
  • “SENIOR ADMINISTRATOR” - well at least the job title is accurate. But if your ‘seniors’ have 3 years of ‘UBUNTU RED HAT,’ you need to be prefixing that with ‘HIGH SCHOOL’ buddy.
  • “Windows Engineer” - gee, I had no idea ‘UNIX,’ ‘Linux,’ ‘Juniper,’ ‘Cisco,’ or ‘IBM’ all sounded exactly like ‘Windows’!
  • “Senior SITE RELIABILITY ENGINER” - capitalized and spelled exactly that way. And in case you couldn’t guess which country by the insulting pay, the +91 phone number made it very obvious. And actually using ‘do the needful’ in the message. Christ. I thought that was just racist trope.
  • “Site Reliability Engineer - FTE REMOTE OPPORTUNITY!!” - that was the subject line, verbatim. So I gave it a quick once over. I mean, that’s at least spelled correctly, and relatively sane. For fuck’s sake, people, stop accepting minimum goddamn wage. And read my fucking profile. It does not say ‘Junior Systems Admin.’
  • <cutesy subject including big company name> - we’ve been over this, guys. We liked each other okay. I was okay with relocating. You lost your shit because I know the cost of living. Same boilerplate crap tells me it’s the same garbage offer. Free food for working 12 hours a day does not make up for not being able to afford rent. Which might be why you’re trying to fill the same position again!
  • “<recruiter> at <big company> - let’s chat” - we already chatted six months ago. Let me refresh you. You said “we’ve never had salary be an issue,” I told you what it would cost for me to sell out my morals, you immediately decided “salary is an issue.” Since you’ve been very publicly outed as doing worse since then, do ya really think my price went down?
  • “$500 Amazon Referral Bonus!” - Just. No.
  • “$100 Amazon Referral Bonus!” - ...