Last night as I was injesting some Merciless Insanity Peppers of Quetzalacatenango, I realized The Simpsons has been dissected ad nauseum. Yet no one has yet ranked the top ten vehicles of Homer. Since I am a fan and have access to the internet, here you go.

10. Homer’s motorcycle. Homer took it everywhere - even to church - and then joined The Hell’s Satans where he dueled in the Circle of Death. Which Marge had just swept. Simply using the bike as a weapon shows the genius of Homer.

9. Hitler’s car. Yes, this is a close call because Bart drove it, not Homer. But Hitler’s body might still be in the trunk! Nelson, of course, punches Bart for wrecking Hitler’s car. After all, what did he ever do to you?

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8. The Bentley Homer test drove. Pretending to be “Count” Homer, he takes a Bentley for a test drive to score some free tickets to a spa. He asks the salesman what advantages the car has over - “say, a train, which I could also afford?” The Bentley, of course, had a heated gas pedal and something - the seat? - which massaged the driver’s buttocks. Homer chose to not buy the car, presumably because it did not meet his needs.

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7. The Electaurus. Homer is always doing things to get free stuff so he takes a test drive in an electric car to score some movie tickets. During the drive, he takes the car underwater because - as we all know - electric cars can do that. And the Electaurus does it it pretty well, although it does seem to electrocute many of the fish nearby. Homer drops the car back off and it is clearly in distress. Perhaps Springfield is not yet ready for electric cars.

6. Homer’s RV. Homer has had more than one RV but the first one was the best. While he wanted The Ultimate Behemoth, he could not afford it because of his bad credit and his permanent record. You may recall that The Ultimate Behemoth not only had a satellite dish - it had its own satellite. The one he bought was at the other end of the spectrum and it lasted only one episode. Frankly, we should be surprised it made it off the lot of Bob’s RV Round-Up.

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5. Ned’s Airbag-less car. Homer drives Ned’s car - with a piece of Ned’s roof on the front as a sort of snowplow - during a winter Class-3 Killstorm. Ned informs Homer that the car has no airbags. Why? Because the church “opposes them for some reason.” Ned is not happy about this fact but has learned to live with it. Until Homer crashes the car, somehow saving the day. Well, Homer and a hamster named Nibbles.

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4. L’il Bandit is the convertible Pontiac Firebird of Snake’s. Homer manages to gain title to the car at a police auction and spends some time ripping around in the car as if a teenager. When Snake hears that L’il Bandit needs him (Homer is not running premium), Snake escapes from jail with the sole intent of regaining his car. Which he does in a spectacular crash near the end of the episode - not far from where they found the “torso heap”!

3. Homer’s daily driver. The pink sedan is ubiquitous in the show but wrapped in mysterious riddles. Some think it is supposed to be a 1964 Plymouth Valiant but at one point a mechanic tells him that the car was built in Croatia from Soviet army tank parts. In another episode he tells some local-folk that the car was built in Guatemala. We may never find out which of these assertions is true but we do know the car has survived all manner of indignity including being hit by a sturgeon from outer space. Still, it appears anew each episode, ready for adventure.

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2. The Canyonero. The SUV was driven by Marge and, according to the literature, seated 35. But the vehicle’s highlights were immortalized in song. And, oh, what highlights:

12 yards long, 2 lanes wide, 65 tons of American pride! Canyonero! Canyonero! Top of the line in utility sports, Unexplained fires are a matter for the courts! Canyonero! Canyonero! She blinds everybody with her super high beams, She’s a squirrel-squashin’, deer-smackin’ drivin’ machine, Canyonero! Canyonero! Canyonero! Whoa, Canyonero! Whoooooaaaa!

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1. The Homer. The car that Homer designed was featured in 1991 and set the bar rather high for bad cars. Two bubble domes, restraints and muzzles would keep the kids under control so the adults could drive in peace. So why didn’t it sell? It was pricey and loud and all three of its horns played La Cucaracha. The shag carpeting and tailfins also did not seem to appeal to the car buyers of Springfield. But still, it was named after our car-loving hero: Homer J. Simpson.

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Steve Lehto has been practicing law for 23 years, almost exclusively in consumer protection and Michigan lemon law. He wrote The Lemon Law Bible and Chrysler’s Turbine Car: The Rise and Fall of Detroit’s Coolest Creation.

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