Transcript of a Troll

Inspired by one of Lehto-sensei's posts on wasting scammer's time, I took a bit of time out of my day to answer an obvious spam telephone call.

The transcript (I could not legally record because I had not announced the fact that the call would be recorded) went something like this:

(I'm in normal text, the scammer is in italics.)

"Hello, this is Patrick."

(long pause)

"Hello?"

Hello?

"Yes, yes, I'm here."

(Scammer speaks in extremely heavy Indian accent and very nasal i's)

"Hello, I'm mr. (name forgotten) with Windows Technical Support. Because we sold you ta software, we are keeping track of you computer for safety. We have gotten report that your computer is infected with many tousand dangerous viruses, because every time you go on ta computer, every time you go on ta internet, over three tousand firus are on your computer. Because every time you go on YouTube of Faebook or ta Internet"

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Sensing this guy a) had no idea what he was talking about and b) would keep talking for hours, I quickly dug around in my bag of tricks.

"Yes, yes, that's all very good. Um, do you have the WRX/9211.1 certificate that proves... that proves you are talking about my Windows 11 box and not my Linux machine?"

"Yes, yes we do."

*Forgets to ask them for a copy of it sent to a burner email account*

"And for long time every time you download file from the innernet, you get risk of firus in you computer."

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"I'm sorry, sir, but my computer is not connected to the Internet now."

"That is not guarantee of safety because de hacker try getting you at Starbucks, you know?"

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"It's not connected to the Internet. It's not conected to the Local Area Network, to the wi-fi network, to the cellular network, o the data network, to the VPN, the intranet, it's not connected to anything."

"Listen, we with Windows Technical Support. We haf the registration number, you know, when you bought you computer-"

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"I'm sorry, sir, but I didn't buy my computer."

"It still has Windows on it and that is a target for hackers and"

"I didn't even buy the parts for it. I built it out of transistors, from the ground up. Sure, it takes up the most part of a large warehouse, but it's very good."

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"Listen, sir, are you in front of ta computer right now?"

"No, I'm on a beach, taking a well-deserved break right now."

"Well, sir, can you get in front of ta computer and then click—"

"My computer is on the other side of the world right now."

"That is no guarantee of safety because ta Internet is world-wide, you know? And hackers try to steal your infomation and—"

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"Well hope they have fun trying. My name's Yahtzee. Patrick Yahtzee. Maybe you've heard of me?"

"Sir, as I was saying, ta hackers try to break inno your household and steal you wife and rape you valuables" (made up)

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"I run the darknet. I am a hacker."

"So I continue reading this piece of shitty advertising copy"

Looks like I had no choice but to play ball if I wanted a reaction out of this dude. I settled down in front of my computer, intending to make up everything beyond the Start menu, when I accidentally hung up.

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Much to my surprise, they called back. That same dude, even. Like thirty seconds after I hung up.

"Hello sir are you in front of you computer?"

*sigh* "Yes, yes I am."

"Okay, so I want you to press Control on your keyboard"

"Which keyboard? I have two."

"It doesn't matter which keyboard you use. Now press Control and"

"I have a Mac keyboard. There is no control key."

"I thought you had a Windows computer, sir..."

"Yup, Windows computer. Mac keyboard. Problem?"

"No, sir. So what I want you to do is to you see the button on your lower left of the screen, the start button"?

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"Yes, should I press it?"

"Yes, you should, and you should press da touchpad and—"

"Son, I use keyboard and mouse. There is no touchpad."

"Let me hand you over to our IT guy."

This dude sounds like he could snap me in half like a twig. Still sounds Indian.

"So what do you see when you look at the computer?"

I decided to, since this was somebody completely different, impersonate a crazed Russian.

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"I see beautiful butterfly. Is my wallpaper."

*hang up*

Next time I'm recording- I started to do that after they called the second time, but my mic was muted. Frankly, I'm surprised they stayed on for my little "this call may be recorded for security and quality assurance" bit. It's like they didn't even notice it.

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But, anyways, thirty minutes well spent, in my opinion.

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