First, a little background on how my neighborhood is arranged. The houses all have their front doors on the front and their garages and driveways on the back. They are arranged so that the fronts all line up with the street and there is an alley between them where all of the garages and driveways go. This is also where trash gets picked up.

As expected, the HOA and the neighborhood facebook group are cesspools. This guy, let’s call him “Leonard” because that’s his name, is a member of both. He loves patrolling the alley and complaining about anything that might be out of place, anyone driving what he perceives to be too fast, any kids playing in the street, you get the idea. Leonard is an angry old man, probably retired, who desperately needs a hobby.

Right now, his peeve seems to be trash cans and recycle bins that can be seen outside of trash day. He literally patrols the neighborhood looking for visible trash receptacles and takes pictures of them to send to the HOA board, who sends out threatening letters to people quoting the rule that trash cans and recycle bins must be invisible except for Mondays for trash and every other Monday for recycle. Please remember that this all occurs in the alley and not the front-facing street.

Full disclosure: I have received one of the letters, with accompanying photo proving that my cans are visible. I pull them off of the street and put them behind the bushes next to my Sean Spicers, but yes, you can see them as you drive/walk by my house from behind in the alley. Many others leave their cans next to the road all week, so I consider myself in the upper third of receptacle responsibility for our neighborhood. There are some who move their cans into their yards and some who put them inside their garage, blocking one of their potential parking spots (another contentious issue in our neighborhood).

Most recently, Leonard has been complaining on the neighborhood facebook page about his next door neighbor putting their recycle bin out on a non-recycle day. Meaning, he’s complaining about garbage bins on the street in an alley on garbage day. Yes, this bin happens to be blue, but for fuck’s sake Leonard can you take a fucking breath? Jesus Christ, it’s fucking trash day, Leonard, there’s going to be trash cans on the fucking street. Just don’t look at them. Look out one of the remaining 3 sides of your house instead. Fuck, Leonard.

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Sorry, where was I? Right, the neighbor. Leonard complains publicly about this neighbor (and not politely, and not in an educational way, just being a passive-aggressive dick), whose only crime, I should repeat, is getting the date wrong for recycle day. I happen to know that neighbor just moved in, so they have lots of extra stuff to recycle and they also have not learned the pickup schedule yet. Did Leonard go talk to his next-door neighbor to give them the information about the recycle schedule? No, of course not. Shit, Leonard, grow some saggy balls and confront them in person if you’re so concerned.

So, clearly Leonard is extremely concerned with the appearance of the alley, right? He doesn’t want to see anything that’s unsightly and I get that, even if his methods are ridiculous. But do you know what he parks everyday on his driveway, in plain view of everyone, day or night?

A fucking convertible PT Cruiser. That’s what I have to look at every damn day, so fuck you Leonard, and your recycle bins. Also, fuck you just a little bit, Chrysler.

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I need some coffee.