When you set a world record for driving around a roundabout for hours you get two questions. 1. Did you get dizzy? and 2. How’d you go to the bathroom?

ANSWERS

1. I did not get dizzy. Roundabouts aren’t like playground carousels. Very little g-forces are generated.

2. This is a bit more complicated. And gross.

Let me preface this discussion with the fact that I am a Type 2 diabetic and also 64 years old and a massive coffee drinker. Other than being stopped by the police my next biggest worry was bodily functions. And removal of the byproducts.

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#1 .

Seriously, going #1 was a bigger deal as sometimes I seem to need to pee every half hour. Annoying in real life. Record attempt-threatening for sure. I was confident that systems to allow the containment and eventual removal or urine existed but wasn’t sure where to find them. Google searches were only somewhat helpful since I wasn’t sure exactly what to search for. I ran into a useful guide on one website.

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Let’s face it, peeing in a bottle is the obvious answer BUT it’s not easy to do in a high-bolstered bucket seat while the car is moving. So that was right out. Although I should mention that there are a variety of offerings to facilitate “peeing in a bottle”. Actual medical devices. The number and shapes and sizes, both female and male, are staggering.

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So I decided a hands-free solution was needed (you’ll never think of “hands-free” as a phone thing again). Further searches weren’t helping and then I stumbled into what I was looking for. Amazon to the rescue.

Here was the motherlode! But what would work best in a car? What sizes were needed? Can I return it if I’m not satisfied? Let’s narrow down the list.

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1. Adult/astronaut diapers. Great for those lonely trips out of town to stalk someone. Still requires stopping and unloading (I can’t believe I typed that.)

2. A collection bag was probably needed. These come in a variety of shapes sizes with varying ports and valves. And measuring aids. Hoses. Straps and hangers.

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3. A collection container. Most of these have handles are to be positioned and used at the moment of need. Not something I wanted to mess with while driving the Mayor around. Again a large variety and they vary depending on your sexual configuration.

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3. Now we come to the sensitive part. How to -ahem- channel ones juices towards the collection container. There’s a bag with a hole in the side that can be mounted (pun intended) around one’s genitals with double-sided tape. Or a real medical catheter that can be threaded up into (never mind, I can’t even type that sentence without flinching.) Or there are external catheters. Receptacles for the lack of a better term.

Some are like condoms with the reservoir tip snipped off. And an industry standard connector attached (does it bother you that there’s an industry standard?) Then there are the stiff rubber receptacles that are held in place by a strap-on harness.

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4. The next decision was to actually collect the fluids or vent them? Not wanting my undercarriage to reek or to risk connectors uncoupling and draining inside the vehicle I decided to collect and hope I didn’t exceed the bags capacity.

#2

The best way to not worry about pooping is to not do it. And the best way to control that is to NOT have coffee in the morning. And eat lightly the day before. And no roughage. Very little breakfast too. You can go days without pooping.

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So in summation I chose the external catheter (which is coated with a adhesive to keep it in place) hooked to a leg-strapped bag and I drank very little that morning. During the event I sipped from a water bottle with electrolytes and eventually munched on a doughnut mid-way thru the event.

Setting a World Record requires planning and patience. And sometimes a large bladder.

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Oran Sands is avid cyclist and a lover of all things automotive (unless it’s trying to run over him.) For the record 300cc was the final output. And the friggin’ tube kinked at first.