If your Ford had a Matthew McConaughey, it would be a Lincoln


I’ve spoken before about how I did a lot of things at a past job that were very firable (http://oppositelock.kinja.com/a-semi-comprehensive-list-of-things-i-did-at-my-old-job-1794974929 because Kinja doesn’t let me have fortmatting tools on mobile anymore, so I can’t embed).

Yesterday I had lunch with a friend from that job. It went kind of like this:

“A lot of them really fucking hate you, you know that, you fucking asshole?”


“When you left, they kept bitching about you, especially [older coworker who really didn’t like me]. They were saying stuff like “can you believe he put up a calendar of himself in his office?”

“Yesssssssssssssssss!!!! I was really worried that that was too subtle and that I wasted an entire morning learning how to print a calendar.”

I did, in fact, make a calendar of myself photoshopped into various pictures that I hung in my office. It actually started very innocently as an April Fools joke in which I made a pin-up calendar of myself and a fake CD of me playing the top hits of the 80s on the ukulele. The album cover was my head photoshopped onto this photo of Warren Buffett:


I put both up for sale at the receptionist’s desk ($25 and $30, respectively) and they stayed there for about an hour until my boss brought them to my office (“cute, but not very appropriate, is it?”).

Since it was a functioning calendar, I decided to hang it on my wall.

I had an ulterior motive for that. There were some coworkers I didn’t like very much, but I don’t play office politics, because it’s stupid. My response was to be very obnoxiously and over-the-top egocentric in their presence.


For instance, I once explained that because my office was in the middle, I was center to everything that happened in the office, and that although I was not in charge, my location meant that everything and everyone was in my orbit, as if I were “the sun, and the rest of you are a series of small moons orbiting other planets, but trapped in my gravitational pull.”

It means a lot to me to know that the things I did didn’t go unnoticed, you know?

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