Volkswagen’s new Chairman and CEO, Geunther Steinkpoffen der Messerschmidt, has announced a declaration of war against the Environmental Protection Agency.
“We are sick of these American do-nothing kloonker-heads sticking their big noses under the tailpipes of our cars! It is time we showed them who is the boss, and we don’t mean Tony Danza!”
It is rumored that Volkswagen will be introducing a new weapon to combat the EPA code named ‘Catapult TDI’. This new weapon will be comprised of unsellable 2015 and 2016 TDI models which will be flung by catapult onto EPA headquarters.
“There are plenty of weapons at our disposal we’ll have you know. If the TDI models don’t work, we will be using leftover Amaroks and Tourans along with whatever models Skoda is still selling these days.”
The EPA will not be fighting this battle alone. Honda will be donating a few dozen jets to their defense effort along with 50,000 leftover Insights and CR-Z models from 2011, 2012, 2013, 2014, and 2015.
“It was our intention to donate the Insights and CR-Zs to the New Orleans Dike Fortification Program.” explained Adam Davis, Head of Public Relations And Industry Backscratching at Honda. “However, given the current sales of the new Mitsubishi Outlander, we believe that our recently defunct hybrid models would be better served as flying projectiles to help stave off this onslaught.”
It is Honda’s intent to modify these vehicles into guided missiles that can very slowly track the trajectory of the TDIs, and hopefully catch up to them.
“Once they run out of TDIs, we’ll arrange to have a small battalion of 1993 Honda Accords to run circles around the remaining Volkswagen arsenal.” stated Mr. Davis. “Given the current reliability of any Volkswagen, this entire operation should take no more than three or four days.”