WARNING - PERSONAL DRAMA.

Seriously - this is gonna be a long and pointless ride for like 90% of you.

Still there? Okay. Here goes.

Usually when people post sappy personal drama on here I try to help. Often it ends with me joining the voices screaming “seek therapy” when they devolve too far into depression and what have you. Well I finally had my “breakup” with a girl I had been seeing for over a year now and I’m pretty well wrecked by it after fighting several months of anxiety issues and trust issues stemming from our move to an “open relationship” that promptly devolved into her not following the rules and her getting jealous that a friend of hers went up to me the day after her declaring us “open” going “Oh? Open relationship? Sooooooooo you can finally take me out to dinner, right?”. There’s a million more pages to it than that, and I’m telling it from my own perspective but yeah, it sucked. Hard.

So for the handful of you who noticed I haven’t been active as much......here ya go. Personal shit on personal shit on personal shit. Hell, I left the iGP league to work on our relationship and she couldn’t commit to a single date night a week. Countering with “Well we see each other weekly anyways so why bother?”, The little things that eat away at a person.....

I already called a counselor and have an appointment scheduled for monday. THankfully I’m 95% sure I don’t have brain chemistry maladies like depression or ADHD. Just feeling like shit and I think processing this alone won’t end well. Weirdly enough it’s in my “other” relationships (I guess I have 2 girlfriends besides the one I broke up with but she was far and away my primary. Still, her friend and I are still dating after 4 months so......yay?) where I’m finding support. Aaaaaaaaaaand I was 100% sure I was monogamous before this all went down so that’s like 10 different layers of WTF is going on in my life.....

But I am just tired.

So. Damn. Tired.

When you live in constant fear of a single word leading to a fight you just never get to relax around someone.

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Life lesson kids - communication is key. I FINALLY got her to admit she wasn’t honest with what she wanted and she FINALLY got me to say I couldn’t take her being poly/open because of the disrespect. It wasn’t a pretty talk. Two people at their worst never is.

But the worst part of it all is the hindsight. So far no less than 8 of *our* friends came up to me and said “She bullied you into all that. You know that, right? You took a fair amount of abuse with a smile on your face so we didn’t say anything....” and I DO know how much of it was unfair. But at the same time there are certain things we loved doing together. Actually when we were able to focus in certain areas it was good. I would NOT call it love, but it was good. So part of me wants to give this some time and salvage something and another part of me is screaming to run away.......yay.

Bleh. This is getting preachy and I have a bottle of scotch to finish. Alright, I’m going to share one final point and I’m going to drop this like 10 tons of truth on all your asses.

You have to love yourself before you can love another. And loving yourself or another does not mean unconditional and total love. You can dislike a part of yourself but accept it as you and love yourself despite, or perhaps in spite of, what you perceive as a flaw. Only then can you love another because you have to GIVE love to GET love. If you do not love yourself and have something to give then you will never be able to share. And I speak from brutal experience when I say that a love that is one way is unstable. It cannot last. But the worst is when two people who love themselves and each other pick away at this love. When both descend into self-hate. It results in two people being consumed and their love disappearing.

Alright. Enough from me. Off my soap box now and pouring another glass.

Post can-am cars for support, please. Gonna be here a while.