Just got done with yet another neighbor confrontation. Remember the “friend” blocking the mailboxes? We confirmed we weren’t getting out mail, but it gets worse. They did an oil change there and got oil all over my property, my shoulder, and the road. We’re talking a 18" diameter spill plus several splatters. I had enough.

I went over there to, gently, tell his friend to move his car and never park there again. I showed him the spill and told him about the mail. He fumbled all over himself and apologized profusely and then returned to the house to yell at his friend. His friend came charging out, wondering what was wrong. So I had to re-explain everything again. He semi-apologized, but said he’s not responsible, it’s his girlfriend who parks the car. Which is patently false, I’ve seen him park it several times. He was high on God knows what and not complying.

“You’ve been blocking my boxes for two weeks. You spill oil everywhere. I want you to move your fucking car, and never park here again, and clean up this mess.”

“Hey man... What’s with the attitude?”

At this point my eyes bugged out of my skull. I put my index and middle fingers up against his sternum and nearly bit off my bottom lip.

“’Attiude’?!?!”

The neighbor came back out of the house running and started yelling at his buddy and pulling him back.

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“Dude! Move the car and get the fuck outta here!”

“I was just! —”

“NO! Shut up. Get in the house. Get in the house. Get in the house.”

“I— uh...”

He starts stammering and then turns to me.

“Listen, man. I’m sorry. Let me — Let me — Let me shake you hand. Let me —”

I brush away his hand and go back to yelling...

“I’m not shaking your fucking hand. We are not friends. I want you to fucking move your car. NOW!”

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[neighbor:] “DUDE FUCKING MOVE YOUR CAR.”

And so it was. The car is now gone. I’m getting a beer.

And now, for a series of gifs.

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