I'm not 100% sure how but I fixed it! Little red trunk button didn't need a press so unplug/replug, unsuccessful crank, jumper cables from sisters Aveo to stang, then she starts right up. I'm thinking either A) it took a few cranks to get fuel back through the lines or B) I tripped the theft protection with my broken key.
It's too dark, too wet, and too cold to deal with it so I'm gonna distract myself with some NFS:MW. just hoping it's not the fuel pump
Dammit, why does this happen when I'm hundreds of miles away from the rest of my tools?