If your Ford had a Matthew McConaughey, it would be a Lincoln

What car is that NFL player? AFC East edition

(I love cars. I love NFL football. Let’s combine the two and compare some star players to automobiles. In this post: teams of the AFC East)

New York Jets

  • Darrelle Revis, CB: Aston Martin Vanquish

Why? When an opposing player is being shut down by this star corner, it is said he is on “Revis Island”. So, it’s only fitting that Revis is represented by a car from an island — the U.K. to be specific (never-you-mind that the vanquish was originally developed during Aston’s days as a Ford brand). Each of these two is confident, flashy, successful, and pretty fast, too. Revis clocked a 40 yard dash time of just 4.38 seconds, while the Vanquish takes just 3.6 seconds to get to 60 miles per hour. (Photo credits: New York Jets, The Car Connection)

  • Brandon Marshall, WR: Mini Cabriolet

Why? The Jets brought in Marshall this offseason in a trade with the Chicago Bears for just a fifth round pick. They hope that he can bring a spark to their passing game, which finished dead last in the league in 2014 with just 2,946 yards. With five 100+ reception seasons and seven 1,000+ yard seasons in his career, one has to wonder - why would the Bears let Marshall go for so cheap? Oh, yeah. Because he acts like a rich, spoiled, UGG wearing, Starbucks drinking, whiney white girl all the time. That is why he get’s the Mini convertible. (Photo credits: Bleacher Report, Motor Trend)

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Buffalo Bills

  • Richie Incognito, G: Hummer H2

Why? No, this is not a just joke about his size. At 6’3” and 320 pounds, he’s actually pretty average for an NFL lineman. The reason Richie Rich gets the H2 is that he is one of the most universally hated players in the league. Because of continuous bullying and harassment of a fellow teammate, Incognito was released from his former team, the Dolphins. The Hummer, the bully of the road, tends to invoke similar feelings from most environmentally conscious people in America today. (Photo credits: Sporting News, Car and Driver)

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  • LeSean “Shady” McCoy, RB: 1970 Cadillac Coupe Deville on RIIIIMMMSS

Why? Because that’s what a PIMPs gotta drive, playa! And when you try to host a private, 21+, all female, RSVP party with a confidentiality agreement, the only thing I can do is give you a car that even Hugh Hefner would be happy in. (Photo credits: New York Daily News, Ridesmag.com)

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Miami Dolphins

  • Ryan Tannehill, QB: The Korean car market

Why? Go ahead and Google 1990’s Korean cars. That industry has made leaps and bounds to bring us the quality, attractive vehicles that they offer today (see Hyundai Genesis pictured). The same can be said for the young quarterback. In his first three seasons, Tannehill’s quarterback ratings have been 76.1, 81.7, and 92.8. Based on his solid preseason performance this season, he’s poised to continue his journey towards that upper echelon of NFL quarterbacks. (Photo credits: Sportsnaut.com, Wonderfulengineering.com)

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  • Ndamukong Suh, DT: Bentley Continental GT

Why? Bentley is one of the automakers that signifies luxury and class — which is NOT why Suh is the Continental GT. Any chance of Suh having class went out the window after that whole crotch-stomping incident. Suh is, however, very large (6’4” 307) like the Continental GT (5,500 pound curb weight). He is also very fast for his size (4.98 40-yard dash) just like the GT (0-60 in 4 seconds flat). And, Suh is very expensive. This offseason, the Dolphins handed him the largest contract ever for a defensive player, worth $114 million over 6 years. That should allow him to afford the Bentley’s $200,000 price tag. He can get one in black to match his heart. (Photo credits: CBS Sports, Topspeed.com)

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New England Patriots

  • Rob Gronkowski, TE: Trophy Truck

Why? He’s big. He’s fast. He’s pretty much unstoppable when he’s healthy. He’s really fun to watch, even if you dislike him, on and off the field. And, he flexes a lot. Plus, the name is fitting. Gronk comes in as a three time Pro Bowler, and a 2014 Lombardi Trophy winner.

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  • Julian Edelman, WR: Toyota Hilux

Why? On the other end of the spectrum from 6’6” Gronkowski, a purpose built domination machine, there’s 5’10” Edelman, who will do anything and everything for your team. Since being drafted by New England in the 7th Round of the 2009 draft, he has caught passes, taken handoffs, returned punts and kicks, tackled kick returners, and even threw a touchdown in a playoff game. Need to do some home improvement projects? Want to try some off-roading? Want to go to the North Pole or an active volcano? The Hilux is perfect for all of those things while being as gritty and tough as Julian Edelman. (Photo credits: Sports World Report, Top Gear)

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  • BONUS Tom Brady: Rock crawler

Why? Really low tire pressure (Photo credits: Baltimore Sun, Fourwheeler.com)

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