What Did We Get Stuck In Our Puffalumps Last Year?

Gaze deep into the parachute-pant buttocks of my little friend, and treat my friends and colleagues with the respect they deserve.
Photo: Stef Schrader

I think it’s time for a new avatar—at least until certain media executives come to their senses, back off on aggressive ads that create a poor user experience and trust the competent staffs of the sites they purchased to do right by their audiences and keep giving us the posts that we clearly enjoy reading.

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(Feel free to steal the idea, should you have a candy cane to pose with a mostly-safe-for-work butt.)

This should also serve as a warning as to what happens to candy canes in my possession. I put them on the tree for a little while, then take them off after the season and they fossilize in a drawer before being staged for photos of a Puffalump’s buttocks.

While I’m not the kind of entitled auto journo who looks a gift horse in the mouth and punches that horse until the right swag comes out, I would like to express a preference for skipping the candy canes next time. This prevents these wayward canes from getting lodged in any rectums on my watch.

I do, however, have empty space on a race car should you, for example, have a million-dollar ad buy that failed to perform. Team Porschelump can’t artificially inflate our display numbers in ways that will aggravate our loyal fans, and we won’t oversell the low number of laps the car will achieve. We have morals, standards and crap, after all.

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We’ll clean off one fender. That’s it. You get one rear 944 fender. The other one already has a “Bribed” stencil on it, and we don’t want to make the parsh too aesthetically offensive with absurd amounts of visual clutter. After all, those of us who work on the Porschelump have to look at it, too.

Call me! Well, unless you’re Farmer’s. Farmer’s can still pound sand.

Theo Bunny inside Porschelump 1.0, or the avatar I’ve had for most of my professional writing career that’s being swapped out for the first time I can remember on here.
Photo: Stef Schrader
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[Disclaimer: No Theo Bunnies were hurt in the shooting of this photo. The only thing we at the Middle-Austin Home for Wayward Puffalumps condone hurting are the fee-fees of dishonest men whose actions harm good people whom I consider not just industry colleagues, but friends.]

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About the author

Stef Schrader

Contributor, Jalopnik. 1984 "Porschelump" 944 race car, 1971 Volkswagen 411 race car, 2010 Mitsubishi Lancer GTS.