The universe is trying to kill the Roadmaster. Last week I was driving down a leaf-covered side street in the rain, with a load of groceries and an air compressor in the back. As I approached an intersection, my street had no stop or yield sign, when a pinheaded dip-shit in a silver Avalon (who was stopped at his stop sign) MADE EYE-CONTACT with me, and then puttered ever so slowly into the intersection. I had to lock up the brakes, sliding on wet leaves, he didn’t even seem to notice that I barely missed t-boning his dumb ass. Of course, everything in the back went flying, and the air compressor smashed the shit out of all my lunches for the next two weeks. THANKS FUCK-WAD!

Yesterday, on the way to pick up my daughters after work, I’m in the right hand lane of a busy main road doing 40 mph (aka, the speed limit), when a woman in a grey Odyssey decides that now would be a good time to amble out of a parking lot without even looking. I had to lock the brakes up so hard that the rear end briefly considered passing the front end before changing its mind. You would think the sound of screeching tires and a loud ass Buick horn MIGHT draw a glance, but you’d be wrong. I just hope there weren’t any kids in the back of that van that almost got killed, you stupid, vacant, drone.

On the way to work today, some idiot in an Eclipse managed to roll twelve feet back into my bumper. Look, I get it, learning to drive a manual trans is hard, but maybe after you’ve rolled, oh EIGHT feet back you hit the pedal in the middle that does the stopping BEFORE you roll into the giant Buick with it’s horn blaring. After all, that big angry guy looks like he might have a gun (I don’t), so not hitting his car would be a good survival tactic!

I’ve grown used to the idiots on their phones drifting into my lane and whatnot so much that it barely gets a mention anymore, but none of these idiots were doing anything but driving. They just sucked so monumentally at it that the Roadmonster nearly got written off twice in the last week. I’m just glad the only schmuck who actually did hit me was going very slow.

I guess I picked a bad week to stop sniffing glue.