I’ve seen a trend on our fair Jalopnik; whenever there is an “asshat parking” article half of the commentators seem to talk about who’s actually at fault or why it’s ridiculous to park in such a way, and the others all seem to clamor onto how to “teach that asshat a lesson” The most recent of which (http://oppositelock.jalopnik.com/asshat-parking…) had the commentators debating on the best way to do such a thing, including slicing two tires because “most people have a spare”. I can’t picture a situation where someone has parked in such a manner that instead of cursing under your breath and merely driving on and you know…enjoying the rest of your day, the deviant has instead said “You know what, this man must be taught an expensive lesson” and you’ve slashed their tires. I shouldn’t have to explain how childish, inappropriate and illegal this is, but we’ll start with some common sense first.

The Logistics are a Nightmare

The car must be parked in such a manner that it inconvenienced you so much that you were compelled to act. You must have a knife or blade of some sort on your person, ok I’ll admit that even I carry a blade on me at all times. You must be on the lookout for other cars, cameras, people, and flamethrowing security devices.


That seems like it could hurt a bit...

So now you’ve made sure no one is around, the car is flamethrower free, and the sidewalls aren’t run flats. You get that pang of adrenaline and you go for it! So now you run back to your car and you drive away. Well, first you carefully edge out of your parking spot because after all, that was the whole point of this endeavor no? You got away! Congratulations! Now, how do you feel? Do you feel good? Do you feel raw? Visceral? Primal? Are you seething with testosterone? Could you lift a school bus and wrestle a bear? I hope you are, because that was just about the manliest thing you’ve ever done. Hell, you should be proud! But I have to ask you, are you sure no one saw you? You made sure there were no cameras in that parking lot? I don’t want to bring down your high, but it’s got to be on your mind for at least an hour no? Hopefully you aren’t going to dwell on that for too long, I heard paranoia really bites.

Do You Know the Backstory?

So the “asshat” parked their car like an asshat who undoubtedly deserved their public and financial shaming. But what, and now follow me here this is going on a limb, what if they had an emergency? Maybe they have a hypoglycemic child who desperately needed a sugar source so they sped to the convenience store and grabbed the kid a chocolate bar only to see that their tires were subsequently slashed. Maybe they had a pregnant wife and in the rush and fervor of getting her into the hospital to have the baby the husband parked the car all “willy nilly”? I don’t know about you, but I could never be absolutely sure that the reason someone has parked where they parked is truly because they are an “asshat” and not simply because, they had an emergency. Really makes you think no?


What Did You Prove?

So you’ve done it, you’ve gotten away, and it’s now the next day and you’re in the clear. Was it worth it? Are you still ruminating over the man whose car inconvenienced you for all of 5 minutes? Are we so impatient in today’s day and age that we can’t just accept that not everyone is as polite and courteous as we are (hint: if you slash a tire, you’re not courteous or forgiving) and just leave, I don’t know, a note? And what about the man who’s tires you slashed? How must they feel today? I’m sure you’re hoping that they feel pretty garbage today, but again I ask: Is it worth it? They might have learned a lesson, but I’m willing to bet that someone who’d park in two spots isn’t going to change but rather that people are assholes.

It’s Illegal-ier than Parking like an Asshat

Did you know that double parking is a fine?! Yes, in most townships and counties around the nation it’s $25. Usually it’s enough for someone to learn their lesson, precisely because fines are designed for just that. If they didn’t get caught when you were around, eventually they will. But would you know that slashing someone’s tires are actually a felony? (Depending on state of course) In New York and California at least, it’s a much heftier fine and potential jail time. So again I ask, is it worth it? What if you got caught and went to jail for slashing tires? Would it still be worth it? Legally, ethically and morally what you’re doing is worse than what the original offense was. So next time you get quite cross over someone’s parking, leave them a note. Or better yet, let the police sort it out, your local police has a non-emergency line for a reason.


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