I thought the TP at my old job was the worst of all time and could never be defeated. I WAS WRONG. The old job's TP was papery and rough like a paper towel, but only took 3 or 4 folds for my hand to feel completely safe. The new job's TP is IMPOSSIBLY THIN. For guaranteed emotional security when going down there, I need at LEAST EIGHT (8) folds. EIGHT. And I still wash my hands THOROUGHLY (I mean, damn - I'd use brakleen if it was available) afterwards just in case. And yet this air-masquerading-as-paper only manages to be about as soft as wiping your bum on a newly paved road (an upgrade from the old job, which felt like rubbing around the rim of a pothole, but still).

But then I realized that this must be a common complaint. I mean, our bosses are always trying to pinch pennies, and who can blame them? My toilet experience can't be the worst of all time. It's not like I bring TP from home or go to the nearest Barnes & Noble to drop a deuce. So who's got worse? THESE ARE LIFE'S IMPORTANT QUESTIONS, PEOPLE.


In light of this new perspective, my toilet paper reviews are as follows:

Toilet Paper @ Ford Center for Engineering Design -

  • Comfort - 2/10
  • Safety - 7/10
  • Restocking Frequency - 4/5
  • Bonus Points - 0
  • TOTAL SCORE - 13/25, or 5.2/10 would wipe again


Toilet Paper @ TruSelf Media/RED Weddings -

  • Comfort - 3/10
  • Safety - 2/10
  • Restocking Frequency - 3/5
  • Bonus Points - 2 (the bathroom is decorated quite nicely, it's like a mini-shrine to George Harrison...which, now that I think of it, is weird)
  • TOTAL SCORE - 10/25, or 4/10 would wipe again in an emergency

...

EDIT: I will be posting an Answers of the Day with all the responses. For science.