Hey Oppo, here that? It’s the sound of birds singing. The bulbs are coming up, days are longer, and it’s getting warmer. That means Spring is here. It’s prime cycling season here, and that means it’s time to repost my flaming rant against cyclists. I have to vent my anger somewhere, and you’re gonna help me. I usually don’t come off this angry, but some things set me off. You’ve been warned:

I am a cyclist, and I am here to confess...I hate cyclists.

Well, not all cyclists, really. There was this one guy...that’s right, ONE GUY...in the last two years that I can remember who stopped at a traffic sign and used hand signals. That guy I’d like to buy a drink. At least I stopped to thank him. He’s my new favorite person.

And, he should be yours, too, if you’re a cyclist or a motorist. You know what he said to me when I thanked him for stopping at that stop sign and signaling? He said, “Hey, it’s in my best interests, right?”

Yes! Why is this man the only person in Dallas that gets this? Scratch that drink. I want to fund his campaign for President (write in with me: Responsible Cyclist Dude). See, there are two huge reasons to obey traffic laws when you’re bicycling:

One: everyone else is bigger than you. That’s right, idiot. Everyone, even that Miata in the lane next to you, is bigger, faster, and more visible than you are. That means that if you run that stop sign, and that soccer mom in the SUV trying to tame her brood hyped up on pop rocks in the back while texting her husband to bring home milk hits you, GUESS WHO WINS? Not you, that’s for sure. I know from experience because now I do all my cycling with a hand cycle since some kid in a Pontiac broke my spine.

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So, I hear some of you through the ether saying, “Well, natural selection, right? If they take risks like that, they deserve what they get!” And I would agree with that sentiment (somewhat), except for the second reason:

Two: pulling dumb shit hurts the rest of us. Do you have any idea how much motorists hate cyclists? I do. I’ve been hit before. My mom was run off the road by a motorist who shouted some obscenity at her just for being on a public road. Every time you blow a stop light, turn to cut off a car, or pull some other asshattery, you contribute to the motorist groupthink that says, “Cyclists are assholes! They need to get off the road!” That endangers all of us.

Yet day after day, on my bike or in my car, I see cyclists who wouldn’t dare run a stop light when in their car plow through a regulated 4-lane intersection as it suits them, dodging cars like orange cones, or cruising through a suburban stop sign because, ya know, no one is coming.

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Well, let me tell ya, sometimes you can obey all the rules and still not see ‘em coming. So why be so eager to abandon your safety margin in favor of the judgement of that unknown driver at the intersection?

Yeah, fuck cyclists. Except you, Responsible Cyclist Dude. I should have put you on my Christmas card list.