Alright opponauts, strap in because I'm writing this up and I'm pretty well blitzed. I'm all doped up on pain pills for my neck injury and I've been drinking since 8am. This is why I love my 1969 Chrysler Newport.

Saftey: Or more aptly, the lack of it. The Chrysler believes that I am a grown-ass man capable of making my own damn decisions. It's like, "you wanna start the car with the door open? I ain't gonna bother you for that. You wanna drive without a seatbelt? None of my business." That's what a good car should do. The Chrysler trusts me. It even has little stowaway buckles for the belts so you can store them "out of the way" should you not want to be inconvenienced by a lifesaving piece of fabric. I love it.

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Design: This car was designed when America had balls. Nobody asked why a car should be 19 feet long but only why shouldn't it be? In 1969 America believed it was the best god-damned country in the world and this car reflects that. The French (bless their hearts) could never build something like this. It's far too brash and crude for anyone European. There's a solid 10 inches from the grille to the radiator and another 8 inches between the rad and the water pump. 18 inches of wasted space! And why? Because this car commands the road, it shows that you can take up 7 feet of lane and not be bothered by the opinions of the little people in their Valiants.

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Power: Nothing accelerates like an old American big-block. It's oceanic is what it is. You sit inside an enormous car, floor it and you just surge forward on a wave of torque. It's not strained or rushed and it's arguably not that fast, but the 383 is powerful. This is what power feels like. There's no tach but this thing hardly ever feels like it crests 2,000 rpm. And remember, only commies complain about gas mileage.

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Ride: Okay this is also unique to American cars. You never hit a bump but you do kinda float over it three times. These cars bob along like an 18' bass boat over the bow wake of a freighter. Never rough, never disturbed and always serene. Cornering? hahahahahahahahahahah

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Other folks: I'm probably a vain sunuvabitch but half the fun of this car are the reactions of other people to it. People aren't sure what to make of a 45 year-old barge rumbling through the streets of downtown Toronto. Most love it, some hate it. Some old lady yelled at me for not being able to fit in my lane. (Sorry) But usually I'll come out to wherever I parked it so see at least a few people gathered to look at it. It's a cool feel to get a bunch of compliments on your car.

Dates: Two 6 ft wide bench seats.