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Why the Chevy Avalanche is the Vehicle of Asshats Everywhere.

Illustration for article titled Why the Chevy Avalanche is the Vehicle of Asshats Everywhere.

We know one thing for true; bros like trucks. Hell, that’s why “Bro-Truck” is now part of my vocabulary. But lately, I’ve been noticing an especially aggravating trend; the real frat-boy ,mom’s credit-card borrowing, Ralph-Lauren Polo hat-wearing douchebags now drive the Chevrolet Avalanche.

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Why, you may ask? Why not just buy a lifted Silverado or a Cummins like every Brad Paisley song says they should? Well, that’s because a lifted full-size pickup, despite some of it’s owners, is actually a capable vehicle. We all know that our cars are a reflection of our character, and the Avalanche is the cultural counterpart of of “That Dude who Texts in the Squat Rack.”

Illustration for article titled Why the Chevy Avalanche is the Vehicle of Asshats Everywhere.
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First of all, we need to define what the Avalanche is. Is it a truck? Is it an SUV? Well, Chevrolet defines it as a “Sport Utility Truck,” putting it smack dab in the middle of the Suburban and Silverado.

Really, anybody with a memory longer than a goldfish can recognize that this is a Suburban with the rear bit lobbed, because f*** cargo room. However, there are a few differences that especially appeal to bros. The Avalanche was fitted was loads and loads of plastic cladding, because painted panels are for fairy boys. Also, the Avalanche featured heavily bolstered and flared fenders, but the top of the wheel wheel is flat, so that the stock Suburban tires don’t look ridiculously small in the opening. The Avalanche was built on GM’s GMT800 (which i’m guessing means it was built in Britain in the early morning) which is based off the previous Silverado, using dated technology. It’s also roughly two feet longer than the Tahoe, but somehow has a shorter bed than an F-150 short-bed.

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But, it’s clearly marketed a truck, so it needs to be compared to one. Here’s where the Avalanche falls on it’s snapback. While a normal Silverado things, like wood and lumber, or 3,260 pound of Dodge parts, the Avalanche’s payload is only 600 pounds. It’s also three inches taller, but provides no extra ground clearance.

Despite the lack of actual pickup usability, GM felt the need to offer an 8.1 liter V8 that comes with MPG competitive with most oil tankers. The largest, most heavy-duty gas-powered Silverado only offers a 6.0 V8. Even with the full-bore 81.81 liter V8, four-wheel drive is still an option.

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Illustration for article titled Why the Chevy Avalanche is the Vehicle of Asshats Everywhere.

But this is all relative, really. Asshats don’t buy pickups based on merit, because asshats don’t need pickups for pickup things. The Chevrolet Avalanche was created wholly to appeal to what the asshat loves most; the appearance of rugged manliness without any of the actual equipment.

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Still, that doesn’t stop popped-collar dudes from buying lift kits for their 2WD Avalanches and brush guards that have only ever seen paint brushes. They buy their trucks Super 40 Flowmasters, because a straight pipe is “illegal” and that would be “wrong.” Or they say, “F*** the off-roading blush and foundation, I’m lowering this bitch.”

But, like most cars, their biggest problem is their owners. Avalanche owners believe they are everything that is strength and masculinity, and drive according that belief. They WILL cut you off on exit ramps and they WILL do 1mph over the speed limit in the left lane. Other drivers are weaklings, and will be treated like such.

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In conclusion, every Avalanche, and I mean every, is driven by a “bro,” whether it be a 20-year-old bro or a 53-year-old bro. If you want to at least keep a little mystery as to whether you’re a “bro” or a construction contractor, buy an actual Silverado.

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