Do you need a car as unique as you? Something that says “why yes, I have an extensive vinyl collection”? Something that has the same origins as the flimsy furniture in your small apartment and just about the same reliability and build quality? You need a Volvo.

Illustration for article titled Why Your Automotive Subculture Sucks: Volvo Owners

Your subculture: Volvo Owners

Illustration for article titled Why Your Automotive Subculture Sucks: Volvo Owners

Your Background: You’re white. Really white.

You grew up in the suburbs of any North American city, but really like to think of yourself as refined, cultural and European. You were born in the wrong decade on the wrong continent. You yearn for a small village cafe on the Swedish coast, despite the closest place you can get coffee from the house you grew up in is a 7/11.

Now you live in an urban area, but not a trendy one, because you can’t afford it.

You have a film camera, likely more than one. You drink craft beer. You have a background in the arts and listen to obscure bands on vinyl. You also own a bike, which will come in handy as you won’t be driving your Volvo very much.


The Car: Do you want ads that have the soundtrack, visual style and length of a feature film at a foreign film festival? Well, you’re in luck! That’s all of Volvo’s ads. Snap your fingers in appreciation at the arty, moody, depressing locale, music and actors. Is this a car ad? Who knows!

Pay more than you should for a used high mile car that looks like it was designed with Duplo. Or, buy new (if you can find a Volvo dealer) and pay Mercedes Benz pricing for something as reliable as a Mopar product and looks like it was styled by an alien.


When you do break down, at least Volvo will now tow your car for free and you will get to visit your local “Volvo Specialist” which is the only person with the obscure knowledge and enough direct contacts in Sweden to help you. Basically the automotive equivalent of a witch doctor or shaman.


What’s new that sucks: Part of your purchase helps fund the takeover of every single industry by Chinese state backed multi-national corporations! Bow down to your masters you disgusting western scum.

What has always sucked: Deep down you know, Volvos are for old people and always have been.



“Why won’t my car start?”


“Hello? Yes, I am going to need a tow truck....make that two tow trucks”


“Have you seen my vinyl collection?”


“Want an IPA?”


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