Some people are fans of Alfa Romeo Racing. But many more people are NOT fans of the Alfa Romeo Racing. This 2019 Oppositelock team preview is for those in the latter group. This is also a poor knockoff of Drew Magary’s infamous and inflammatory yearly NFL previews. Read all the previews so far here.

Your Team: Sauber Alfa Romeo Racing.

The Super Mario Brothers found a warp tube into Switzerland with a bag of FCA advertising cash money. This was enough to rename Sauber to Alfa Romeo and in the process created a Ferrari Junior Team. Because that’s what the world needed, another fucking F1 junior squad. Good job, assclowns.

Your 2018 results: 48 points, 8th in the constructors’ championship. In one year this team went from the worst of the worst to midfield challenger from a sudden cash infusion by Mergio Sarchionne (rest in peace, you automotive slut), and a current spec Ferrari power unit.

Advertisement

Your Car: C38

Advertisement

Ferrari’s engine is in back, and the mad Swiss aerodynamicists designed everything else to be as neutral as possible.

Advertisement

Your Team Principal: Frédéric Vasseur, who returns for a second year. After Monisha Kaltenborn fucked this team back into the dark ages. This man went from the minors to the majors through Renault and was fired after a year for disagreeing with Cereal Habitual. The brains behind the car are lead by Axel Kruse, who sounds like a 90’s pornstar, so he’s probably swinging a hog of a di-engineering brain between his shoulders.

Your Drivers: Kimi Räikkönen and Antonio Giovinazzi

Advertisement

Kimi “The Iceman” Räikkönen, bwah. Between fucking supermodels, eating icecream and getting drunk on a boat he finished 3rd in the drivers’ championship last year:

Just leave him alone, he knows what he is doing!

He’s probably the constant fan favorite driver from his mumbling through the interviews like the ludes just kicked in to his hilarious radio calls. Somehow this glorious old Finn is still the last championship driver for Ferrari. He swapped seats with the young gun Charles Leclerc and ended up back in the seat where his F1 career started way back in 2001. This will probably be his last season in F1 until he inevitably comes back after spending 2 seasons in the NHRA and Dakar.

Advertisement

The other driver for this Swiss-Italian team is Antonio Giovinazzi. This ‘nazzi raced for Sauber twice as a replacement for an injured driver under Pascal’s Law. He will never drive a proper Ferrari as an Italian this is forbidinan as Enzo didn’t want to kill anymore of his countrymen.

What’s new that sucks: Alfa went RADICAL on their front wing this year, so expect nothing less than a quality 6th place finish.

Advertisement

What’s always sucked: Sauber was a Mercedes Sportscar/Prototype team that ventured into F1 with Mercedes blessing and backing. After kicking around the back of the pack they got a new sponsorship from an oil company named Petronas and a new, small soft drink company called Blue Balls Red Bull. This eventually took them to 4th in the championship with a young Kimi Räikkönen and Nick Heidfeld scoring 21 points, BLACKJACK YA BITCHFUCKS. After falling back down the ranks, BMW stepped in with a fat stack of Nazi gold Deutschmarks. The Germans built the best wind tunnel in the world and took the Swiss team to their high water mark of 2nd and 3rd with Heidfeld, Kubica, and a one race cameo by a little known driver named SEBASTIAN VETTEL. After BMW decided that this wasn’t the best use of their money, Sauber went rapidly downhill to the perineal dwellers that they are.

Advertisement

What might not suck: As proven in their past, when cash flows in, this team can kick shit with the best of ‘em. Creativity is their strong suit, just as long as that money keeps coming. With Brexit looking more and more like a rusty butter knife cutting off a dick, this Swiss team could really stick it to the 80% of the field as they scramble for new bases of operation and supplies. I’ll agree with the rest of the pundits and say this is a team to watch.

Next up: Racing Point