Why Your F1 Team Sucks 2019: ROKiT Williams Racing

Some people are fans of Williams Racing. But many more people are NOT fans of the Williams Racing. This 2019 Oppositelock team preview is for those in the latter group. This is also a poor knockoff of Drew Magary’s infamous and inflammatory yearly NFL previews.

Your Team: Williams Martini ROKiT Williams Racing

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Your 2018 results: 7 POINTS. DEAD. FUCKING. LAST. Some might say, “hey at least they scored points.” But, those people are delusional and should not be spoken to unless you need a sad handjob behind the port-a-potties while you clench your participation trophy while you cry. Is that too mean? FUCK NO. This team had the might of the Mercedes power unit, a historically strong engineering team and Paddy Lowe. To give you an idea on how terrible scoring 7 points is, Marcus Ericsson outscored this entire team in 2018. ERICSSON! Anyway, this was the worst year Williams Racing had since they ran 1 customer car in 1977. Pathetic. Oh well, it’s not like they can get any worse, right…

Your Car: FW42

Off to a good start in 2019 with everything going to pla/RECORD SCRATCH/ HAHAHAHAHAHA. Fucking NOPE. Pretest shake down: Canceled. First day of testing: Canceled. Second day of testing: Also canceled.

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Well at least the car is all new from last year’s undrivable mockery of an F1 car.

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Your Team Principal: Claire Williams, just kidding, it’s still Frank, well on paper it is. Reports are that it’s more chaos than anything. Stability is a core foundation of a successful team, I read that on an inspirational poster once. Backing up this father-daughter dance is technical chief Paddy Lowe who has 7 world title cars to his name, but it’s looking like he may be getting das boot soon. We’ll circle back to this soon.

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Your Drivers: Robert Kubica and George Russell.

Kubica is BACK BITCHES! (shoots guns into the air) He is a true inspiration and has one of the ultimate comeback stories after his horrific, near fatal rally wreck that saw him almost lose an arm. You’ll be hearing that multiple times this year, and this is no exception. But, he also hasn’t raced an F1 car in 8 years. We’re pulling for him, nonetheless.

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George Russell (not the famous jazz pianist from Cincinnati), on the, nope not going to say it, is here in F1 thanks to a truly inspirational PowerPoint presentation. He also won the 2018 F2 championship, so he’s a hot shoe in the lower series, which is perfect for a modern Williams car. HEY-OH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

What’s new that sucks: Due to new for 2019 sporting regulations, the cars have been slowed down by new aerodynamic rules. Williams can’t afford to get any slower, so good luck there. You also have the constantly changing staff and engineers at Williams so who knows who will be left to actually start the season. Brexit will also bring a whole new level of challenges to all of the British based teams, so this will be fun. (Narrator voice: It was not fun) The new title sponsor means a new livery which isn’t Martini strips, and that fucking lame. This sponsor ROKiT is also completely unknown so the money might be there, it also might dry up quicker than (insert sexual reference here). Speaking of money...

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What’s always sucked: Money! Running a racing team costs so much money. An F1 team requires the GDP of a small 1st world country in order to be competitive and even though Williams gets a piece of that sweet, sweet historical constructors’ compensation, they never seem to have enough money to do more than barely tread water. The last time Williams won a race was in 2012 with this guy behind the wheel:

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God help us all.

What might not suck: Those aforementioned new areo regulations apply to all teams, so it’s very possible for one of the smaller teams to get clever and get a early season jump on the competition. It worked for Brawn in 2009 and gave the sport a much needed underdog story it’s longing for again. Williams also gets the all new and improved Mercedes power unit, so it might be enough to drag them up from the depths.

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Next up: Scuderia Toro Rosso

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