Why Your F1 Team Sucks 2019: Scuderia Ferrari

Some people are fans of Ferrari. But many, many more people are NOT fans of Ferrari. This 2019 Oppositelock team preview is for those in the latter group. This is also a poor knockoff of Drew Magary’s infamous and inflammatory yearly NFL previews. Read all the previews so far here.

Your Team: Scuderia Ferrari


Your 2018 results: 571 and second in the championship. 2018 was Ferrari’s season to to lose and hoooooo boy did they! Their car was faster and kinder to the tires than Mercedes, yet due to horrible strategies on key occasions and Sebastian Vettel stroking out in the second half of the season, Ferrari lost the championship. HA HA. LOSERS!

Also this happened. (Warning very gruesome leg injury)

Your Car: SF90


Just like Red Bull, the paint job is matte finished for the weight savings that I’m sure the engineers are jacking themselves off over. GOD, YES, 5 GRAMS LESS WEIGHT BECAUSE IT ISN’T SHINY, FUCK YES, ARUUUUHHHHGGGGG /Vettel crashes/


Your Team Principal: Mattia Binotto replaces The Marlboro Man, Maurizio Arrivabene, after yet another non-championship winning season. Binotto has been with the Scuderia since 1995 as an engine guy. After James Allison was fired, Binotto replaced him as Chief Keef Technical Officer. Backing up Swiss JJ Abrams here is a team of Italians thirsty for victory.


Your Drivers: Sebastian Vettel and Charles Leclerc

Sebastian Vettel is the 4 time world champion who switched to Ferrari after getting punked by his former Red Bull teammate Daniel Ricciardo. Vettel like, all Germans who grew up in the 90’s is a massive Schumacher fan. Vettel won his 4 championships with Red Bull. He finished 2nd in the drivers’ points last year by 88 points. Some of the reasons are as follows:

Charles Leclerc is from Monaco and after a fantastic rookie season as a Ferrari Junior at Sauber he got to switch seats with Kimi Raikkonen. Neat!


What’s new that sucks: New team principal after 4 years of failure. New driver. More pressure to win than ever!

What’s always sucked: Ferrari’s last constructors’ championship came from none other than Kimi Raikkonen and Felipe Massa in 2008. That’s 11 years without a championship for the Scuderia which is the second longest gap in F1 history. If Ferrari doesn’t win this year, expect a whole raft of Ferrari friendly changes for the 2021 regulations. No team would be happier to bring back V12’s than this group of Italians. As Porsche determines the rules in sportscars, Ferrari makes the rules in F1.


What might not suck: Ferrari showed a bit of pace in testing this year just to be cocky about their speed after a whole winter of whining about how slow the cars were going to be this year just to fuck with their main rivals in silver. Expect fireworks in Melbourne and massive developments over the course of the season as Ferrari has upped their budget to spend on F1 this year.

Next up: Mercedes-Benz

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