Why Your F1 Team Sucks 2019: SportPesa Racing Point Formula One Team

Some people are fans of Racing Point. But many more people are NOT fans of Racing Point. This 2019 Oppositelock team preview is for those in the latter group. This is also a poor knockoff of Drew Magary’s infamous and inflammatory yearly NFL previews. Read all the previews so far here.

Your Team:
Jordan Grand Prix Midland F1 Racing Spyker F1 Sahara Force India SportPesa Racing Point Formula One Team

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Your 2018 results: 52 points, 7th in the constructors’ championship. Had it not been for being forced into administration by Sergio Pérez (because he wasn’t getting paid), getting bought by a consortium of super rich dude bros (chiefly one Lawrence Stroll), and then getting renamed from Sahara Force India to Racing Point Force India, this team would have been 6th or possibly 5th. However, when your F1 team is fucking broke because it’s owned by THE KING OF GOOD TIMES Vijay Mallya, who, according to his home country, is, brace yourselves, A FUCKING CROOK.

Your Car: RP19

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The “Pink Panthers” are back, this time with blue paint from an African Sports Betting Company, nothing shady about that, nope.

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Your Team Principal: Otmar Szafnauer, who returns for a tenth year. Good ol’ Otter Shatner here has been in the F1 game for a while and has actually been one of the more successful midfielders, Oats Andhoes is now even the CEO of the operation. One could say that Edmonton Oilers is the reason why Force India got the Mercedes package which has proven vital to allowing this team to occasionally fight for podiums. Backing up Omar Little is technical director Andrew Green and performance engineering director Tom Coughlin McCullough.

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Your Drivers: Sergio Pérez and Lance Stroll

Sergio “Check and Go Checo” Pérez is a fast driver who is known to be able to climb onto the podium at least once per season. This is because he’s one of the more aggressive drivers in the field:

Lance Stroll is here because his dad OWNS the team. You can’t convince me otherwise. “But he’s the youngest podium finisher ever,” you say, to which I respond, “Go fuck yourself, Lawrence.” Prove me wrong, but my prediction is that Checo white washes this Canuck.

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What’s new that sucks: This years’ car isn’t exactly, “new,” and while it’s always good to finish strong, starting the day off with your dick caught in a bear trap isn’t the best way of doing things. Well, at least they’re not Williams.

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What’s always sucked: This was Eddie Jordan’s team, you know, and he will never, ever, let you forget it. Just how time is one flat circle, so is this team’s cursed financial background. Everytime things look bright and cheery and the spice flows, this team fights hard. Right up to the point the money runs out and they have to start all over again.

What might not suck: The cash looks more real than it has in a long time for this team, so expect the car to get upgrades and be punching with the front runners towards the latter half of the season.

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Next up: McLaren

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