Full text from Bald Tires:
NEW YORK CITY—Recently the team at B/T got invited to a meeting of the staff writers and editorial board of Jalopnik. We weren’t sure about going, and then when we got there things got worse.
Their chief editor asked, “Okay guys, so we’re looking for new stuff to put up this week. What do you guys have?”
One of the writers raised her hand.
“Okay, can you read me the headline and a quote?”
“Yeah. Sure!” The woman responded.
“The title is, ‘I Am Unduly Excited For The Cadillac CT6 V-Sport’”
“Okay nice.” He responded.
“I mean that says nothing about the content of the article at all, and also fucking sucks frankly, but continue.”
“Okay, sure!” She responded.
“I haven’t seen a name for this engine yet other than “hot V,” which is already a pretty badass name for an engine. Hot V. Like the name of the bartender at that biker bar with a heart of gold but also wouldn’t hesitate to beat the shit out of you if you misbehaved in her bar.”
“Wow, okay.” The editor said.
“I mean I cringed so hard when I read that I swear to god I wish I could’ve gotten folded up into a carry-on and tossed out of a fucking jet.”
“Even though you just wrote the journalistic equivalent to somebody sweating on the toilet, lets post that. Green light! Actually, you’re gonna go to Spain to drive the new 911!”
Another journalist raised his hand.
“Yeah you in the back! Go ahead!”
The man was breathing heavily out of his mouth only.
“The headline is: What We Found When We Crawled Under The 2020 Supra”
“Okay, and whats it about?”
“Its about how the uhhh… The Supra and the Z4 their engine bays look similar.”
The journalist inhaled deeply through his mouth.
“Wow. Good stuff. Even though the cars are on the same platform and literally do have the same engine. Nice Clickbait headline! At the same time pandering to all of the 2009 Youtube comment tier discourse around the new Supra being co-developed with BMW.”
A man spoke up, “Yeah we have this new article where we count how many fake vents the new Supra has, and then in the featured image in the article we write, ‘fakey fake fake’ in the background.”
“Wow really?” the editor asked.
“Yeah.” the man responded.
“That is some good shit. I mean, even Road & Track bothered to get a quote from the car’s chief engineer that said all of those vents are literally just snap in plastic and can be removed, which makes them functional. Really incredible you wrote that without ever even looking into it at all.”
“Can you read or write?” the editor asked.
“I dictate to my intern.”
“Wow. First of all, promoted. Second of all, get this guy another intern so they can carry him around our office on a litter; like a Roman triumph!”
The editor then changed the tone of the meeting.
“Wow guys, you almost can’t blame people for reading our website, right? All of Car and Driver’s content seems like its written for some ‘sort of car guy’ middle aged man, grown in a petri dish at Consumer Reports. MotorTrend apparently can’t decide if they’re a TV network or a magazine, and almost everything else is just shit!”
“I’m glad we can put out some real hard hitting journalism about cars that actually means something.”
He paused and looked around.
“Has anyone else’s nose been congested like, forever?”
Everybody in the room nodded.
“Does anyone wanna go out on 5th avenue and throw rocks at cars?”